Apologies

I received the news early Monday morning, the 25th of March. For the first time in a long while, I turned on my mobile phone at school since I asked a friend to call me about the air conditioning repairs to be done at my house in the afternoon. Knowing nothing about an incoming bad news, it was a shock when I heard from my youngest brother of my mom's demise. I bursted in tears.

I was brought home by the owner's driver and bought myself a ticket to go back home. That afternoon, I felt restless and wanted to do a lot of things but I had no energy to move. I received text messages from some few friends consoling me. I even received a call from a close friend from Australia but no tears came. I was holding everything in me.

The following day, I arrived the Philippines at 7 in the evening and went to the memorial chapel right after leaving the airport. There was an on going mass at that time. I found a seat and when family members were called to bless my mom with holy water I went, stood for awhile, and I was overwhelmed with grief, with tears running uncontrollably. It was my first glimpse of my mom since the day she said goodbye to me.

Jon, take care of yourself. (then giving away her sadness with tears)

Ma, don't cry when I leave the country. I cannot bear to bring your grief with me. I don't like to see sadness in your eyes. I am just some miles away and will always be back to visit. 

With sadness on our faces, we gave each other a big hug.

For the next few days, I discovered many things about myself. That I allowed myself to be away for so long with only little time to be with her. That I allowed myself to be away because I do not want to be involved in most of our family affairs. That I allowed myself to establish distance amongst my siblings and relatives. I became alone and lonely.

And as a few of my closest friends came to visit, I became even more humbled by being reminded that no one can be in this world alone. The presence of my friends during that particular moment became a shield to combat loneliness. It was a wake up call.

I sent my apologies to my mom through my constant conversations with her during the wake. I know that she understands me for being aloof and cold. I am just hoping that she will forget my shortcomings and treasure my undying love for the only mom I had.

With sincerest apologies, sorry Mama Josie.