To Sink Roots

I guess it's time you find someone this friend of mine told me to do: sink roots. Sink roots in a place, with a person, to anchor you.  I guess I'll find somebody else.  I was like you before.  I vowed to myself never again. I knew in the end I'd just be a bitter old shrew who teaches by day and does cross stitching by night, swinging in my rocking chair.





I read this passage from a book of which I cannot recall many years ago and it was so impressive that I jotted it down, saved it and then kept it in my stack of memorabilia.  Some months ago, I found the written note tucked in one of my older files of paper. I read it once again and was dumbfounded with how it is so relevant today.

When I read it, many years passed, the words were being spoken to me by the book.  It was sort of mirroring myself of what is to happen in the future. Something unstable and rocky perhaps, a direction I am even unsure.

I have sank roots with regards to teaching, opting to stay here, away from family and friends.  Difficult it was, for missing some of the most important milestones in life. The place where my feet are deeply rooted right now is giving me what I need, materially. But material things are no longer on top of the list. Being away for a long time toils me down. To go back becomes a question.   Maybe to begin anew with life, to find inspiration, to seek solace, or even to sink roots with a person.  

Life becomes a sort of balancing act.  You have to make good choices to stay sane.  So in a scenario where I can be home, would it be a wise choice to proceed when things are even more obscure?  A multitude of questions with unsure answers, life will become like that. And it wouldn't be rosy as well, for the new things I will battle.

So it's undecided until the time comes for it to unfolds itself.  The days, weeks and months of this year will be ticked off as I look into making a final decision. I could be in cloud nine or, just like the passage, a bitter shrew cross- stitching at night. 

Quote Relevant

He constructed fiction that became a facade for his inner turmoil.

from readers' perspectives, they see my postings 

as something of life's awareness and awakenings, 

that the strength of words used 

scaffolds the meanings of one's existence, 

of volatility, of exuberance, of sheer joy.

from people who clicked without leaving 

any footprints at its doorsteps, their mere presence 

juxtaposed the willingness to get in 

but with reservations or apprehensions, that such readings 

could possibly be intimidating in meaning or trapped in boring compositions.

from those who seems to care, whether they leave a mark or unconsciously 

render their presence, their understanding of the metaphorical insinuations 

and thoughts clouded by a collage of photographs may do an 

impression of my well-being at the moment, my whereabouts, 

and my line of thoughts.

my stories are webbed in truth, pursuits and actions, 

that some dreams had been halted by pressing circumstances, 

that some notes were fogged by convolution of words as 

to hide their truthfulness, that some were not embellished by extravagance 

but by experiences through the passing of time.

i fill in an empty can of life with stories to share, 

that some might learn, that others may recognize 

as opportunities for reflections, 

that one may decipher the true value of my words, 

that of an inner turmoil throughout.

it's an ongoing saga of downfalls and unsuccessful leadings, 

of sadness covered in honey, of loneliness trapped, 

that of smiles and joyful words enveloped in mist, 

in smoke, in heavy air of chaos, where the face is bright 

and the departure time drawing nigh. 

Worth Waiting For

All my past Sundays were either spent on bed nurturing vertigo or trips to the hospital for check ups so this week, my Sunday was indeed ordinary since I was in the garden for a change.  I water the garden at night and I do not really see the condition of each and every potted plant as it was quite dark.  Besides, I am dead tired every night that what is left of my remaining strength is used for holding a hose and watering them down. That is gardening 101 for me.

hatched and unhatched eggs

I was busy pruning, repotting, and adding soil when I noticed my beautiful climber which once graced the corner of the pond with magnificent drapes of flowers pestered with insects. I was crestfallen to see such state but on further inspection, the climber alone is an authentic example of life cycle in action.  

chrysalis

Nestled among its leaves are eggs, chrysalis and caterpillars.  It was a sight to behold.  I remembered leaving a certain tree in my house for this purpose and while they are standing side by side, both plants helped the healthy growth of these little critters.  

caterpillar

I let them be.  

As I always wanted something pretty to look at, there will come a time that the flowering climber will shed its beauty and be home for other insects. After some time, it will become vivid again in its colour. The changing weather will bring forth its lovely and welcoming flowers.  For now, I only have to wait.

Life throws us lemons and I will make lemonades with them.  My current situation is not healthy and toxic, yet I will make each day something worth waiting for. 

On Needs and Wants

When I was young, I am fond of collecting TEX cards though I didn't get a chance to trade them with my neighbours.  It was something I kept just to have something in my treasure box.  

We were never rich and since I am also not so lucky to be blessed with presents, I had this fascination with toy trains. I asked my father if he could get me one but to no avail.  I asked my aunt, who is also my godmother,  but she doesn't have any money to buy me that expensive toy.

When I was in the university,  I was fascinated by the sound of the piano and when I hear people playing it, I wanted to learn it as well. My cousin had a piano in their house and so in my spare time, I would ask my aunt if I could use their piano to practise some music pieces. My cousins loathed my presence in their house and I knew how much they despise me from using the instrument. So after some sessions, I surrendered since I am more onion- skinned than thick-skinned. 

I left the country because I wanted to buy myself things that I cannot have. After some years, I actually rented a piano for two years and I gave myself the opportunity to learn some musical pieces on my own.  I also bought three sets of trains with rails that goes up and down, fancier than ever.

From my own earnings, I got myself a number of material things.  I was able to furnished my own pad with custom made furnitures and expensive decors.  I was able to send money home to help out.  I purchased a car, got myself a motorbike, and built a garden worth enjoying. I went on trips locally and internationally without any support from anyone.  

In my life there were more wants than needs, I wanted these and I wanted those.  I did not have the luxury to buy expensive things when I was young.  My being a teacher is not a passport to accumulating wealth.  My being all giving and stupid to requests made me vulnerable to failure.  

For now, I look at my immediate needs and that would be a comfortable home, food on the table, money for emergencies, and an innate desire to live a peaceful and comfortable life.  No more trains, no more expensive appliances and decors, no more long trips and unwanted ones.  I am an awakened person. The attraction of having more and more is a thing of the past.  The need to supply the needs is most pertinent.  

Of Caps and Photographs

I have gotten attached to a gift given to me many years ago.  It was a present from Italy, a black cap with a very discreet designer logo.  I adore it the moment I placed it on my head.  This is for keeps and it is! 

This cap had been with me in my many adventures.  While perusing the photos of yesteryears, I have multitudes of photographs with my cap on.  Allow me to post the narcissistic side of me. 

Ancient City, April 2010

Dreamworld, April 2011

Angkor Wat,  February 2012

Bohol,  July 2012

Flintstone Park, October 2013

Rayong Beach,  May 2013

Sarika Waterfalls, August 2014

Khao Kho, October 2014

Coron, August 2015

Hua Hin, August 2015

The cap that went places because I refused to part with it.  Besides, it made me look better in photographs sans the smiles. :) 

Turning Old

Turning old :)

I received a forwarded e-mail from a good friend about living graciously at an older age, 50 years and above which was  a translation from a Chinese manuscript. After reading the well-written thoughts, I decided to make a reflection on where I stand at this time. Though I still need more years before I push fifty, the words of wisdom enumerated will not be just reminders but also mantras for the coming years.

50-year old like you, don't trade in your health for wealth by working yourself to an early grave because your money may not be able to buy your health.

 I vowed to myself that I would stop working before the age of 50. I vowed that I will be keeping money and investing them in some worthwhile things so as not to compromise my health and well-being. I have seen many people still working at a very old age, enjoying nothing and being in stress all the time.  I wanted to do three things later in life: write books, paint more and do sustainable gardening. 

So, as long as you have enough food and enough money to spend, that is good enough. You should live happily. Every family has its own problems. Just do not compare with others for fame and social status and see whose children are doing better, etc., but challenge others for happiness, health, enjoyment, quality of life and longevity.

To live happy is the goal of each one of us but how to reach that goal? Start small, smile at the beginning of the day. Say a simple prayer. Look around for things to appreciate. I see the smile from the driver who picks me up everyday. I enjoy the camaraderie I get from my students. The laughter of the children makes me happy. Small notes and messages give me a smile. I wanted to be happy and getting small things in every small moment are enough to brighten each and every day. 

Above all, learn to cherish the goodness around... and FRIENDS... They all make you feel young and "wanted"... without them you are surely to feel lost!!

I am not talking about having hundreds of friends in your Facebook page. How many of them actually read your shout outs, or writes you a personal note, or simply visits your page because they care for you. I long for those old friends of mine where we get stuck in elevators, walked in flooded streets, shared one doughnut because we had no more money, or sat down on street pavements talking till the wee hours of the morning. I still have some of them, and kept the best. The memories alone make me feel young. 

(My birthday just passed and what did I do? I celebrated with my students in the morning, skipped school in the afternoon, had lunch with a good friend, went to the temple for offerings, then to a church for grace.)

To Be With My Family

Chloe is one of my favourite students. She hails from Switzerland but comes from a multi-lingual family so she speaks multiple languages. Along with her brother, they were both difficult to approach in the beginning but as months passed, they became my well-loved students.

As in the case of every expat families, either one or both of the parents are busy working since they are sent abroad because of their expertise. Though they have may perks including education for the children, a big house, paid utilities, insurances and the like, it’s not roses all the time. Working in a well-known firm also means long working hours, travelling elsewhere, and other issues. Thus, being with the family becomes a problem.

Chloe is vocal and she is not afraid to tell me if she is happy or unhappy with her homework, her school, of me, or of her family. One late afternoon, she was sharing her thoughts about her dad and his line of work. While listening to a nine year old girl about her sentiments, I had tears swelling in my eyes from what I was hearing. I mentioned how lucky she was to be attending one of the best schools in the world and living a secure life. Then she said and I quote, “I'd rather be poor and have dad be home all the time than be rich and have my dad never at home."

Wisdom comes from my four year old students and even from my oldest student aged 15. Their varied interests and rich experiences compliment my everyday existence as I get to be a part of their growth. Chloe’s wisdom gave me two things to think about: distance and affection. I felt unwanted so I left, and for many years the distance did affect my relationship with my family. I can never get what I missed and I could just regret on them. For Chloe, she will grow to be stronger and wiser. Her family knows about this so it is easy for them to make compromises. For me, it had been a long time and I was left with no choice.

Patterns

Growing up, we had the tendency to seek someone to act as our role model or someone to adore. It could be a movie star or our teacher, the mums of our lives or a distant relative. Whoever the person was, we make it a point to somehow mimic them, or dream that one day, yes, "I'll be like him/her."

Given the individual differences amongst us, this tendency to mimic others could lead two ways. One positive outcome is a productive life encouraged by the achievements of our role models. Another positive result is the zest to go beyond what our role model had accomplished. Yet copying someone's behaviour when it seemed fun could be damaging as well. For our free choice tell us that one person could be a good model when for others, it's not.

When I walk through the street especially those that were of made of cobblestone, I simply notice the pattern of the stones. Our lives are like each and every stone joined together. I could work well with the people around me and a path for walking seemed manageable through each and single steps. The pattern of my behaviour and yearning in life coincides with the pattern of the person besides me or near me.

Yet each and every stone would have its life. Some get chipped by wear and some gets broken through weak resistance. However, they still hold close together to act as a walkway or a path for others to thread on. When we work with great people, we become great as well. We tend to achieve more and see life as an enormous playground filled with opportunities and great gains.

When we work in an unproductive environment, just like living with someone who has no positive influence to us or working with people who are uninspired, we then survive because we follow a pattern of monotony, going on just to end the day.

Patterns are everywhere. We make them as our guide to grow or we make them as a simple excuse to exist. We should pattern our lives to those that are great, not mediocre, and become productive. We should be surrounded by positive people. We should be aware of our words, our actions and our thoughts. For your pattern in life will simply be imitated by those surrounding you. You do good, they follow the deed. You do bad, it becomes impressionable to others.

A Point in Time

Many years ago, I met an accident and I was all alone at that time. I was asked to attend a seminar upcountry and forgetting to bring something, gathered some courage to ride a motorbike taxi and went out of the hotel. As the motorbike needed to turn left and we were at the right lane, the turning led to another motorcycle colliding with us and left me bloody and in pain right in the middle of the road. If another car had passed, then there's no more story to tell.

I was rushed to the clinic and I wasn't feeling anything. I was probably in shock. A nurse came and asked questions and when she said, “You alone, no friend?” I started crying. That moment was indeed the loneliest ever. It was more painful inside even though I was all bruised up and not able to walk. The nurse recommended that I be transferred to a proper hospital.

A driver from a passenger truck came and told me he'll bring me to the hospital. “Two hundred baht, I bring you to hospital.” I was shocked once again because I was in the middle of an accident and unattended. I paid the man and he brought me to a second class hospital.

When I went back to my hotel limping because of a cast, crutches and bandages and all, I called a friend from the city to help me out. Three people came after two hours and they sent me to a better hospital. The doctors were saying how poorly the dressings were made. They replaced the cast, gave me better crutches and sent me back to the hotel.

The next morning I attended the seminar with all eyes on me. All throughout the four days, nobody dared to talk to me, come near me, nor ask about my situation or even say hello. I was in the Land of Smiles. There was even an instance when I was lining up for tea and when I reached the end of the line, the server told me to go to the other side because all the cups were used up. I was so frustrated but from that moment, I realized how physically challenged people feels. I sympathize with their rejections, their struggles to belong, their fight to be accepted as normal citizens.

When the last day of the seminar ended earlier, I asked a cab driver to bring me to the beach so I could take my mind off the pressures of rejection and unsupportive fellow educators. While I walked along the sandy shore, I heard someone commented, “He's already crippled and he still wanted to walk around here.” That was the last straw. I left with a broken heart. I left with a broken spirit. I left with regrets and no compassion for judgmental people.

People see what is beautiful but they fail to see the inside. I was crippled at that time but the determination to finish the seminar and learn many things so that I could impart them to my students was over the top. I haven't been as brave and more patient given that sad situation I was in, yet I learned a lot and I wanted to believe that not all people were insensitive and ruthless. They were just ignorant of the situation. They were scared.

My heart goes for the many disadvantaged children I had met throughout my entire career as a teacher. From the orphanages I supported, the bed ridden children I've taught and the autistic and down syndrome children I'd given my spare time, my respect and love will always be with them. It takes only one experience to learn a lesson for a lifetime.

I Will Be Back

Alvin is a four year child staying in an orphanage and being given a good education by the Sisters of Charity. Melvin and Meljun are twins by birth and share the same background as that of Alvin. The three of them became my playmates when I visited them during the break. As I turned to leave, Alvin came and asked me when I will be back. I looked at him and smiled despite the tears that was running down my cheeks. I told him that I won't be back soon as I live far away but promised that I will, if I could. I gave him a hug and bade farewell.

My life had been constant going in and out of every tricky situations and bad habits. I had been trying to make new of what to pursue. I try to do more of what I believe is best. I try hard to leave what is of the past. There is no going back for things we try to forget. There is no going back for things we do not want to encounter once again. There is no going back to something I am trying to escape.

Yet if I look at what is to happen, time will come that I will be back. I will back longing for the ties I cut off. I will back for the past to make memories of today. I will be back to make amends of what I had neglected to do and what I had forgotten to believe. 

Knowing that the children from the orphanage had become insensitive to the numerous "I will be back." they hear every time they had visitors, yet the smiles and the questionings had been genuine. For they truly believe that separation is inevitable but they still look for that glimmer of hope to meet again. 

Basket-full

We bring to ourselves fruits of labour. When one has the positive attitude towards looking at a new day, then one had been living a great life. When one frowns at the sight of light, then the struggle to wake up and start the day would indeed be difficult. 

My morning would always start with a bright and cheery attitude. I know that a night's restful sleep will bring me a fresh start to set goals and achieve them by the end of the day. This is probably the reason why I have a set pattern of sleep and wake-up routines. Breaking them would be a crime against my outlook for the next day and a punishment to my body.

I am always greeted by a friend who picks me up everyday from home. His mental attitude is quite catching as he is always in a good mood. I know his everyday struggles but he still managed to bring forth a delightful attitude towards life. He always has a smile for everything.

Life's manageable in its own so a healthy attitude is what we need. We need to set a goal or goals so that each new leaf makes a purpose. Going to work for the simple reason of being busy is not a good reason. Going to work with a set target could inspire us to see beauty. Our work is dictated by objectives, compensated by money and showered with comments or praise. Yet being productive and efficient coupled with the right attitude and respect brings a fruit-full of experience and growth. Besides, every morning is the same, it's how you look at it that shapes your day.  

Indulgence, Passion and A New Lease of Life

I received a phone call from a friend and I was being invited to be part of a charity event. I agreed because it was an invitation from a friend. Little did I know that this is going to be the best part of my life as a teacher, as an artist, and as a person.

The first person who welcomed me upon arrival at the hall was my former principal. She was the most influential in my life as a person and as a teacher because she gave me the opportunity to excel in my chosen endeavour. She was instrumental in my growth and will never be forgotten.

The tour gave me an opportunity to meet four of Thailand's finest artists: Pinaree Sanpitak, Chatchai Puipia, Misiem Yipintsoi, and Jakkai Siributr. Their works spoke visibly, intellectually and emotionally to the senses of the visitors. Coming from different backgrounds and beliefs, the artists rendered their creative juices through canvasses, sculptures, textiles, potteries, and other mediums. Their talents showcased not only the creative geniuses in them but also the dedication, love, sentiments, political views, and spirituality. Devoid of any superficial agendas, the artworks depicted were shining examples of their thoughts, feelings, interests and viewpoints in life.

The concept and the context juxtaposed to create individuality's and uniqueness to all the art pieces. Each piece talked about a certain time in the artists' lives and set up a landmark that brought a new dimension to art history in Thailand.

Within the tour, I met and was indeed excited to see familiar faces throughout my day's journey to four of the artists' havens. People who had been part of my journey as a teacher ad people who had played a crucial role to what I am right now. These were the people who never wavered in their belief in my capacity and role as a teacher. These were my family, the friends I left for greener pastures. They are still my family and I feel overwhelmed by their generosity, acceptance and spirits.

Thus the day was a day of indulgence, a day exploding with creative ideas, a day of art and friendships. Thus the day was a day of passion, not of the artists alone but of mine in terms of my love and adherence to things artsy and also to the lost embers of connection. Thus the day is a new lease of life, a sort of reckoning of what I had lost and wanted to recall. I wanted a new me. I wanted what Jonathan is all about and the time to start is just right.

Turning Another Leaf

The butterfly plant I had been growing was accidentally clogged by water and with my absence from gardening in two weeks time, it withered and died. I looked at the plant in its sad state and took my cutting shears to cut the plant from its branches to its main trunk. I looked back at the beauty it manifested through the years and the happiness it gave me, watching the flowers soar its petals like wings. It is now gone.

Friendship is like the butterfly plant. At its heightened stage, the beauty it manifolds capture even the most minute spirit. The small talks, the glances, the smiles, the tears, the intrigues, the gossips and many others become a concoction of delight to friendship. When great efforts are poured towards its growth, a similar great camaraderie results in the end.

Yet the beauty of friendship holds long only when it is nurtured and ventured. For there will come some time that neglect becomes a regular visitor while the option of starting one with a new acquaintance becomes a possibility. The seemingly happy dispositions has now started to fade. The link between two individuals have started to tarnish. It is always in doing much that kills anything - too much love, too much hatred, too much concern, too much ongoings.

I cannot save the butterfly plant because it is in its dying stage. As for some friendships built, it is indeed difficult to start anew when someone had closed its doors for me. As for to save a friendship gone, it is indeed a gargantuan task to find something from nothing.

A leaf is to turn when what of the past simply cannot be lived again.

Small Talk, Lasting Impression

When I first started working as a preschool teacher in a not so familiar environment, I had apprehensions and bouts of loneliness about what's to happen and what's to expect. When one is in an unfamiliar territory, with less experience and knowledge about life, I get anxious.

One early evening I was invited by an English friend to have dinner at their residence. I accepted the invitation and enjoyed the company of her family. It wasn't a lavish feast but it was very warm and welcoming. When the table was being cleaned up, the two children ages 4 and 6, asked me to watch television with them and during that short moment, a conversation ensued.

"Who lives with you in your house?"

"No one, I live alone."

"That's why you are lonely."

"I am fine but sometimes I do feel lonely."

"You know, you could come to our house if you feel sad."

"Oh, thank you. So nice for the offer."

"We could play some games or you could come for a sleep over."

"That would be lovely. Both of you are so very nice."

The food at that dinner table and the setting of the house are just distant memories and I couldn't even recall them. The warmth and friendship of the family is the one that stuck to me through my many years of battling the realities of life. The sincerity and the wisdom of those two children had been cornerstones of my existence knowing and believing that people exists for others.

The boys had grown and the family had long left Thailand but the friendship they offered during my down days simply never skipped my mind and heart. Thanks to the Harris family.


artwork by Emilia D.

My Own Fairy Tale

Fairy tales often captures the imagination of both boys and girls. The sword fight and the fearsome tales of the knight fascinate boys while the beauty of a princess and her magical adventures grab the minds of the girls. Often, fairy tales have a happy ending.

Some create fairy tales of their own. Rising from poverty to rich splendour, some have managed to do such feat. Waking up from the slumber of defeat and hopelessness, some met the light and started to fight. Of what seems like tales become fulfillment of dreams. I commend them for their achievements.

For others, the temptation of the apple seems aplenty in our daily living that biting one would probably be our initial and continual actions. It's not a kiss that could wake us up from our deep sleep nor holding on to the glass slipper to find our match. We do not need a fairy godmother to magically transform our present life to a one night of fantasy. For what seems like enchantment could also be a source of disappointment.

We weave tales in our lives making mistakes or completing a cycle of great achievements. The characters in our stories challenges us to meet a certain expectation but it is within our power that we make a life to live. We trust our own fundamental capacity to succeed whether we are generously supported or treated badly. Our fairy tales can come true because we believe in ourselves.

I wanted to create a fairy tale where I get to be happy forever and ever but I live in a real world. The real world has so many things to offer but I always miss the opportunities because I was busy with other things or simply because I ignore what's around me. The creation of my fairy tale will probably merit nothing but a sad ending. Thus, it is about time to look where I am heading rather than let people direct me. It is happening now and I am fortunate that I have faith in myself and that I can do many things despite the many obstacles.

The Time Is Now

Revelations creep through each and every entries I post and I find it a relief that my feelings are validated after I finished posting my stories to share. There were moments of weariness and trodden despairs whilst tidbits of guilt and bursting happiness. Each and every stories are pages of my life from the past to the most recent.

What did I learn from all these years of writing uneventful or surprising events? There are a lot to say about the good and that I am ready to face whatever evil comes along the way in forms of jealousy, envy or flat criticism of my style of writing. I write because I needed to open up a kettle full of steam. The feelings inside maybe of hatred or love, success or failure, or just plain sharing of idle thoughts. Needless to say, it's my life.

I write because I wanted to pave the way to my feelings toward other people such as my family, my friends, my interests and my students. My compliments for them simply stemmed up from my respect and heartfelt love for being with me, or believing in me, or by supporting me in many ways.

The time is now for me to say thank you and that I owe them what I have, a life that I respect and a life that I perceive as full of grace and unending rewards. The time is now for me to say I miss you all and that you're always be included in my prayers. The time is now to reveal that I do love being with you as much as I love seeing and hearing from you all.

Special thanks to Jepoy, Lucas, Kris, Tik, Lilian, Joan, See Teik, Odelia, Jiji, Steph and to all those who visit and read my entries.

A Typical Day

I start the day with a bright spirit. The morning rituals of dressing up, breakfast and going to school has always been accompanied by prayers of thanks and provisions. My driver is the first person I see every morning. He is jovial and would always be smiling. There is a certain air of light bearing that is pass on to me.

Then I see the people in my school. I get some greetings from some and a great, big hug from a very good friend. I start the day greeting each and every child, making sure I speak with everyone giving my full attention and make my students' learning fun. This is one typical day. After school, I go and conduct special tutorials to older children.

After a tiring but joyful sharing of my time, talent and wisdom, I retreat to my abode for a needed rest. I either use the computer while waiting for the washing or simply lie down on the couch facing the television. I do some watering and some cleaning up. If I have the luxury of an hour or so, I would be walking and inspecting the garden and eventually doing some gardening. Later, I would be going to bed with a book to read, a prayer to offer and off to a much needed sleep.

A typical day with atypical purpose: to live a meaningful life, to touch lives of others, and to commune with my surroundings.

The Secret Life of Jonathan Yu

A colleague who happens to be a good friend is back and she is still full of zest and enthusiasm. I have not seen her for many years and she has been away from the e-mailing thingy since then.

Before she left for the US, she asked my permission to write a book and told me that she'll be giving the book the title, The Secret Life of Jonathan Yu. I was intrigued because my friend does not know much about me but she made mentioned that she was just going to use my name because it sounds fascinating for a title.

Anyway, I thought of this when I met her again and through my mind, the ideas had been running like crazy. What is there to write if I actually have a secret life. Could it be my brush with accident and death in many different instances? Could it be my unconsummated affairs from the past? Could it be the many stories shared to me by strangers and how open they were to me? Could it be the invitations to meet new people and the offer to marry some strangers? Could it be the encounters I had with robbers, hired women, and cabbie drivers?

Our secret lives are feasts to others whether they are weaved by gossips or truthful events. Our secret lives proves the duality of living something we are interested into and something we dare to try. We are not dictated by the society to act like what they want us to behave. We dare not defy the law nor aim to please others but we live our lives because we wanted to live worthily and be happy.

The Secret Life of Jonathan is already written in this blog. Though sometimes it takes some layers to peel to truly understand my thoughts and innermost feelings. As one enters this realm of understanding someone else's thoughts, the revelations can merit different reactions. Simple yet fulfilling.

Friday's Treat

Friday for me is my fave day of the week. I named it my ice cream day. The reason is because I get to go to the nearest mall to get myself an ice cream, kind of a treat to myself for being a good person.

The rewards I seek are simple: a pat for a job well done, a simple thank you note, a smile from a colleague, a warm hug from a lost friend and others. I treat myself to an ice cream, or a bar of chocolate or a movie. I reward myself of a day's rest or a weekend's retreat to the beach. Simple rewards in everyday situations and not wanting more.

Some rewards are yearned. I do miss the times when I opt for the weekends because I get to be with friends. I do miss the times when I opt for Sundays because I get to do some Christian missions. I do miss being with my friends and the story is different now.

While I grow older and reward myself with less things, I am learning that living is not about accumulating wealth but by living it wisely. Just like a child, a small rewarding experience is better than being given a bulky present for good behaviour. If we somehow train a child to get what he wants all the time, then we do not give justice to his or her upbringing. If we provide just what is needed, then problems would be more manageable as a child grows. It will always be a conflict between wants and needs.

Yes! I like Fridays but I like the other days of the week too. Each and every day is a goal oriented day whether there is a reward to be collected or not. Overall, it stems up just being simple in needs yet living a fruitful and satisfying life.

Busy Week

For most, having a week off is heaven-like and I feel the same. After working continuously for many weeks, we needed to re-charge our batteries so a break is so deserving. The week is almost over and I am going back to work. The question is if I am ready or not. I feel that I need a vacation after this vacation of mine.

I am wishy washy so I have no plans on where to go though I was able to be in many different places in a span of five days. I was riding cabs, buses, vans, motorbikes, planes, rickshaws and pick-up trucks all throughout my trips to the Eastern and Northern side of Thailand. I was just going with the tide, planned nothing but to be away from work and worries.

On the last day of my holiday, I took a subway from end to end for no purpose at all. Probably to kill time, to watch passengers, or to simply kill my boredom. I told this story of mine to a colleague and she was just cracking up. She told me I have so much time to kill but it wasn't time that I was killing.  It was something else.

Maybe another long holiday is needed for me to go back to full swing. I am lucky though that in two months time, I will be having a three weeks off so I could see people, meet new ones, do what I like, eat what I feel, and enjoy what life is all about.