Tired of Living

The columns were intricately designed and crafted and acted as windows to let in light from outside. Any spectator who dare wonder what was beyond the magnificent edifice had to look through the bars that supports the wall. And as I gazed the horizon from this standpoint, I am mesmerized by the greenery and the vastness of the area, space wise.


I will refer to the columns as the bars that holds my inner spirit. I wanted to be free from obligations, from the slump I am in, and from the wrong choices I made in the past.  The same spirit I wanted to let go when I travel. I am happy when I see new things, meet new people, and be introduced to new cultures.


I always write something about being free, being away from the bondage of the present, being able to occupy my mind of stillness and peace. Though my prayers are offered every morning, the complete nirvana I am longing for will probably be there when I lay my head in peace. Yet as I live this troublesome existence, my camouflaged life of smiling and being alert will cease to continue and I am still hoping that my faith will lead me somewhere.


I wanted to see a new horizon where I can be ready to shine forth giving me opportunities to spread my wings. Waiting to see, trying with all might and escaping these shackles will be my aim, not just tomorrow but everyday.

Sad World

And I thought that the issue of race will never surface again since I have established myself as a good teacher, no, as a very good teacher. Just this week right after doing a sort of advertising for the school, a couple of moms questioned the presence of Asians in an international school such as ours. 


My life as a teacher was a long sad journey from being unsure of what I like to do to being accepted as a teacher. Starting with very minimal salary for a half day's work, I struggled getting to school earning very little that I cannot even afford to eat lunch before going home. I tried proving my worth so I went back to school and took Education with the little money I was earning from two jobs. My big break came when I was asked to work out of the country and the rest was history. 


My present school stood for me when I received doubts from some of the local parents in my class during my first year stay. However, the rest of the parents gave me inspirations, encouragement and the best advice ever. From then on, my work was seen rather than my physicality. My contributions were acknowledged rather than my colour. My goodness and professionalism became a part and parcel of my name. They knew me as Jonathan, and not as an Asian.

I am writing not to defend myself from the incoming shower of skepticism since I am not directly affected by the comments. I am writing to show how still at this time, some choose to prefer colour from product, accent from process, and origin from competency. Sad world, but very real.

From One Door to the Next

Looks like an illusion as I stare from the entrance of these numerous doors. Looks like surprise after surprise will meet me as I enter each passageway. But I didn't go in, I stayed put and reflected on its importance.


When I was much younger, I study hard because I have nothing much to offer but my diligence. I started as an honour student and as years passed, the distinction to become greater diminished. It was like the sun losing its light as we get closer and closer to oblivion. I was then trying to maintain my grades and I was able to involved myself again in academics thus making me a part of honour classes for the rest of my school life.


But in my professional life as a teacher, I have stopped opening doors or stepping into one as I become comfortable with just teaching. It is age and I do not regret any minute of my decision to stay put as an educator. I could have taken more brave steps along the road but I chose to remain simple and dedicated as a facilitator of learning to children. My one year stint as a head teacher was enough to bring accolades to my professional endeavour. I vowed to do my vocation as an educator till I can touch  more lives in the years to come.


So the doors I will open and start peeking into will be the next few years of my life, not as an educator, but as a whole person. I will venture on new things as I have started this year. I will open the doors, keys or without keys, to let more sunshine in.

Leading My Way

Alone as a passenger while navigating a lake, the boatman knowing the waters rises up to hold on to the stick as to maneuver the boat on its course. He also stirs away from a fast approaching boat so as to avoid the splashes. The journey was pleasant as the boatman knows his way and through the trip, makes conversations and exchanges anecdotes.


In my life, I myself, am the boatman as I am the one taking charge of where I am going. I was given opportunities and made choices some of which were positive while some were not so inviting. Some circumstances didn't give me any choices at all but I still have to make decisions.


My career path had no well laid plan since the beginning. I went with the flow. Starting as an assistant then doing all sorts of things related to teaching. My personal life took no direction as well as I became contented to what I have and then made no plans for my future, marriage wise.


Regrets were aplenty and each and every day of my life recently becomes a source of frustration, doubt, and hopelessness. Maybe because I am getting old, or maybe because I miss some people in my life. I find navigating through life meaningless and without a point. It's like I live for each day and that's it.


I maybe the boatman of my life but I needed something else. I needed some instruments to really make a change in my path. Just like the boatman, he needs his boat and his oar. And for me, I need my faith and inner strength to keep me going.

To Be With My Family

Chloe is one of my favourite students. She hails from Switzerland but comes from a multi-lingual family so she speaks multiple languages. Along with her brother, they were both difficult to approach in the beginning but as months passed, they became my well-loved students.

As in the case of every expat families, either one or both of the parents are busy working since they are sent abroad because of their expertise. Though they have may perks including education for the children, a big house, paid utilities, insurances and the like, it’s not roses all the time. Working in a well-known firm also means long working hours, travelling elsewhere, and other issues. Thus, being with the family becomes a problem.

Chloe is vocal and she is not afraid to tell me if she is happy or unhappy with her homework, her school, of me, or of her family. One late afternoon, she was sharing her thoughts about her dad and his line of work. While listening to a nine year old girl about her sentiments, I had tears swelling in my eyes from what I was hearing. I mentioned how lucky she was to be attending one of the best schools in the world and living a secure life. Then she said and I quote, “I'd rather be poor and have dad be home all the time than be rich and have my dad never at home."

Wisdom comes from my four year old students and even from my oldest student aged 15. Their varied interests and rich experiences compliment my everyday existence as I get to be a part of their growth. Chloe’s wisdom gave me two things to think about: distance and affection. I felt unwanted so I left, and for many years the distance did affect my relationship with my family. I can never get what I missed and I could just regret on them. For Chloe, she will grow to be stronger and wiser. Her family knows about this so it is easy for them to make compromises. For me, it had been a long time and I was left with no choice.

The Voice

When I was much younger, I admire most of my friends who can sing very well. I have a crush on this girl I met in the university and it was always so great to hear her sing. I cried during her wedding not because I didn't get her but because I was happy for her.


My mom was a singer and according to my grandma, she was the best among the siblings. I love belting Celine Dion and being my mom's back up singing Abba and Whitney Houston's most famous songs. She doesn't sing anymore and we had not sang together for some years now and I miss it.


When I went on theatre, the people I were did not even know that I can sing. Not that I am good at it, but I have a good timbre in my voice of which some people enjoy listening. I enjoyed singing songs when I was cast in the play "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum" and I made a name in my former school.


In two different occasions, I was invited to do karaoke singing by two different people who had no idea I sing. When I grabbed the mic to sing songs from Les Miserables and Rent, they were so surprised and I was laughing inside for their reactions.


But the best moment where I shined was when I was asked to sing on stage in a small restaurant and I chose to sing Hero by Mariah Carey. Right before I ended, some ladies requested some songs for me to sing and the last one was La Bamba where they moved the tables and danced the night away. It was fun and I was so proud of myself.


Watching The Voice gives me goosebumps and a hinge of jealousy and regret for not doing what I should have done, that is, to hone my talent and share them to others. However, I still bring music in my life by teaching it to young children either in my regular class, music and drama classes. In a way, I feel alive!

Awe!

My class is about projects. As the children are the oldest in our school, at 4 and 5 years of age, they get the biggest bulk of work in terms of exploring, representing, discussing, and creating works of wonder. This year the theme is about landscapes and narrations. We discussed our summer escapades in the beginning then zeroed in on our individual preferences within a context that we all are familiar with, the school setting. While discussing our mind maps, I  created different play situations by using the many landscapes discussed and represented at the beginning of the school year.


Artworks of garden, mountain scenes, seascapes, kingdoms and space became backgrounds for a more elaborate play focusing on cooperation, language, and creativity. We ended making a garden and a castle. We named them the magical garden and the enchanted castle complete with a princess, a prince and a unicorn, a knight, shields and crowns. The entire area was turned into a free zone of creative play.


When everything was done, props and sceneries included, I summoned the children to look at their work as a whole and the awe and amazement on their faces and words simply devoured my fragile emotions. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I told my assistant, "This is the reason why I teach."


I love projects and it is in doing them that I become more of a teacher, more of a creator, and more of a facilitator.