Difficult

I was once told by an acquaintance that I will not be happy if I do not know what I really want and what I am to search for. Until now, those words had been true as I do not know where I am heading. Many had come and left and had built lives of their own. Knowing them, I was not far behind and I was even one or more notches better. But to compare their lives and mine, they had gone several notches while I still live in oblivion.

I had fallen in love many times but I wasn't lucky enough to be granted reciprocity. It was indeed sad throughout but I had learned to accept what was for me and what were not. Yet in the long span of circumstances that goes round and round, I still have to learn from those lessons.

Last holidays, I finally met the face behind the words that I had been admiring for a year now. It was a great meet yet it was the most awkward situation I had ever been into. I couldn't retreat to silence so as to admire the beauty in front of me as I was being questioned constantly. The meeting was short but the longing still mingles around my soul.

God knows how much drama I put myself for this meet, preparing for a long haul, and flagellating myself because this is all wrong. It was wrong so I opted for the memories of that short meet- the voice, the smiles, and the polite expressions. A present was given to me to remember our friendship and I will treasure that forever.

I haven't learned any lessons of the heart and all I do is to collect memories. Though now it is sinking in that I am just craving for attention and it was granted, I succumb to something difficult. I do not seek for an exchange of affection but I just wanted to write the moment as a reference. It is indeed a long winding road but I will find the end.

Since I wrote this almost a year ago, I finally found the answer. There are some things not meant to be. They come to our lives to enrich it. They come to our lives like a stone thrown in the water. In stillness, then ripples, then calmness unperturbed. And suddenly gone.

To Survive

During the past months and with the onset of rain and flood, the plants in my garden had been enjoying the respite from the summer heat that blazed through May and to July. Unperturbed by the rain and seeing that nature is taking care of my garden, I took a long rest in caring for my plants.

I did not notice that two of my precious potted flowering trees had clogged drainage. The potted plants were filled to the brim, come heavy rain or sunshine. One of them survived the odds of having too much water. It had grown some molds round the trunk but is still alive. The other flowering plant did not make it. The water that filled it suffocated the plant as there were no space to drain excess water.

My journey through the years could be summarized by the two potted plants in my garden. The one which survived symbolizes my determination to go on with life. The constant fear of living alone in a big house after some bad incidents, the rising hostility of parents against coloured teachers in school, the unfair treatment I get from locals based on my origin and the uncertainty of life itself had been struggles yet sources of my strength to live and to fight for my rights.

Meanwhile, the other plant had symbolized my hopes to be a part of an accepting community. I planted in my mind that whatever great things I do, they will always be regarded as excesses or show offs especially in the place where I work.

I always have this need to shine so I do more than what others can. I always want to prove that colour or race does not play an important part in making great lives work. I always wanted to be better, not to lead a fight but to connect people together. I do fail but I survive.

So when heavy rains come again and fill my life with hard decisions and struggles, I will hold on to my faith. That one day my work will be rewarded and that my life had a meaning, not only to myself but to others. Giving up is not an option for now, but looking at things in different ways will help me survive.

Neglect

Busy lives mean more things to do. Busy lives mean more stress and demands. Busy lives mean neglect. Though being busy is not bad at all, the consequences of putting off other important things become a burden in the end. And regret is surely irreversible.

For those who live on a day to day basis, subsisting with their meager income, being busy to bridge the needs of their own and their family becomes a familiar sight. A father who is always absent from home and a mother who is burdened by housework, caring for their children by herself. There seems to be a genuine concern to build a brighter future but the lack of presence triggers a generally probing matter.

As busy as I am with teaching, my health became the victim of my incessant quest to be always moving, always thinking, always being productive. The results had been never pretty and ending up in a hospital became an eye opener. Then I became busy making myself healthy, leaving the tending of the garden to Mother Nature herself. The plants had grown big, the roots had escaped their clay pots and the sights had been unruly. My housework had piled up and ending each day with a sigh and a tired body, sleep was my only friend.

Busy lives are productive when there are goals to pursue but we need to put importance to those that we care most. It could be your health, your family, your friends, your work or your love in life. We just have to remember that we become busy for a purpose - the goal of which is to lead productive and harmonious lives, not of negligent gestures.