Closing Wounds, Opening Heart (March 18, 2009)

Having plenty of time to think and reflect opened old wounds. Wounds that were not supposed to be left untreated because they will turn bad. Wounds that were visible yet being ignored. Wounds that added to the pain I was already suffering.

Primary School - I was so worried because I still haven't finish my homework, a project I needed to submit to school comes Monday. It was Saturday so having the luxury of two days to make it was clearly there but having no materials to make the project was the problem. I asked for money and it fell on deaf ears. I was adamant to ask my grandmum for some help but I still did.

Sunday came and I remembered it to be very late in the afternoon when my two younger siblings came with a box each. They were excited to open up the boxes that contained two remote controlled cars and they immediately played with their newly acquired toys. I asked them in my very silent voice as I don't want to be heard questioning where my brothers went. I was told that they saw a movie before passing by a toy store. The rest was explainable. I burst out into tears not because I was hurt but because I was angry.

High School - I never failed a subject and I belonged to one of the top sections. I was always proud of my grades and my achievements. During the summer, I was left to tend our business by helping out my grandparents with their restaurant. I ran errands, did the marketing for them, and stayed late cleaning and helping out in the kitchen. My siblings were sent somewhere else for a long holiday, despite their failed marks in school. It was a gruelling summer as I cannot comprehend the situation, gruelling emotionally rather than physically. Though the experience of being home helped me become closer to my grandparents, I still wondered why life was unfair.

Then before school started, I was informed that I have to change school and attend a public school near our place. I was dumbfounded. I resorted to crying and pleading. I was devastated. My grandparents rescued my wounded ego, they gave me the money to continue schooling in my old school until I finished high school.

University - I attended half a day of school and chose mornings so that I can be of help at home in the afternoons. We have no more restaurant at that time. My grandparents were old and they cannot run the business anymore. I wasn't free though as I tend another shop to help out in the family. One night at dinner time, my brother came home late and looking tired. He was then asked if taking the public bus (for that specific day) was a hassle because his car broke down. No need for an answer. I came to realized that no one will ask me how my everyday bus trips were because I simply existed as a person with no emotional attachment to anyone.

Typical Day - One dinner time, we ended up having nothing much on the table except for rice and some leftover portions during lunch time. I knew that my brother reserved half of a whole chicken for himself and suggested if he could possibly share some portions for everyone. He picked the chicken up and banged it on my plate, "You can eat it if you want!" I reacted by doing the same and saying, "If you don't like to share, then don't." A fork came flying and hit me on the left side of my head. "YOU DON'T FIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!" I went quiet with tears welled up in my eyes until I burst out because I pitied myself.

I made these experiences lessons in life. I thrived in sacrifices and I lived having to reflect on my past life as to what were my wrongdoings. I took the courage to live a life that was not similar to what I encountered but a life that is meant to give, to cherish and to love. Tough times indeed, but embracing them with hope gave a new meaning to existence.