In My Own Home

Coming home from school, the rain had been battering the streets with pelts of water as if earth is thirsty after battling the gruelling summer heat. Then along the way came the gush of wind made stronger by the irate intensity of the changing weather. I reached home safe yet in the company of my own abode I was restless.

The state of the nation where I am right now is in a siege mood. Never in my entire life had I imagined being in the middle of this chaos. Differing political views and unwavering opinions meet no resolutions. The nation is rattled and so are the people, young and old alike.

The summer heat depletes the ground of much needed water that plants suffer, wither and die. Those big trees were fortunate enough to extend their roots to seek for a water source but those small ones were left parched and to perish.

People who have the resources to survive times of trouble are like the big trees of the forest. They could find opportunities to either protect themselves from the heat and live through summer days. Those unfortunate would be left to their own standings to make do of what they have for the challenges are just not suited for their makings.

Being at home means living at the comfort we earned in years. Though I was able to reach home dry from that sudden downpour, being at home does not mean I am free from harm. For it is in my own home that I feel threatened by outside forces. No one is sure of what's to happen and it is in not knowing what's ahead that intensifies the apprehensions.

Torn

Afraid to be alone
yet knowing it isn't right
To wait, to stay
remaining still, out of sight.

The times of solitude
envelopes the core
For each and every corner
seemed cold and a bore.

Delivers a mighty blow
each night that passed
The tears, the longing
the very hope collapsed.

And for the absence
a kindle of fire
Searched within
just one, no denial.

A promise was made
that there's but one
The coming was but
an accident compound.

Though the presence
filled empty feelings
It was the absence
haunting and seeking.

Torn, as if a choice
was to be made for now
When this will grow
to stop, I made a bow.

A Short Walk

I am a walker. I walk all the time. I walk out of my village to reach the entrance fourteen streets away. So when I lost the ability to walk because of knee related injury, I was devastated.

When I was in grade school I was hit by a school bus and had to be in the hospital for less than a month. I had a motorcycle accident and left me in crutches for a week and limping for a month. The very last incident was health related as my knee swelled and I had to literally drag myself out of school, towards a cab to go to the hospital.

When I walked the vast grandeur of the Imperial Garden in Beijing years ago, I almost lost the strength to go back to the main entrance as I was exhausted beyond exhaustion. My knees were about to snap and my legs were aching. I gathered whatever was left inside me and finally made it back to my hotel. The walking gave me the opportunity to see the magnificence of the palace. The walking made me stronger in spirit. The walking became a test of endurance.

There are many stories of people who had battled their greatest enemies and faced their waterloos. There are many stories of people aiming for great heights and achieving things beyond their expectations. They aim high and they try their best. All because they believe that they can do things far beyond their capabilities. It is in trying, in persevering and in harnessing the strength within that we win.

A Point in Time

Many years ago, I met an accident and I was all alone at that time. I was asked to attend a seminar upcountry and forgetting to bring something, gathered some courage to ride a motorbike taxi and went out of the hotel. As the motorbike needed to turn left and we were at the right lane, the turning led to another motorcycle colliding with us and left me bloody and in pain right in the middle of the road. If another car had passed, then there's no more story to tell.

I was rushed to the clinic and I wasn't feeling anything. I was probably in shock. A nurse came and asked questions and when she said, “You alone, no friend?” I started crying. That moment was indeed the loneliest ever. It was more painful inside even though I was all bruised up and not able to walk. The nurse recommended that I be transferred to a proper hospital.

A driver from a passenger truck came and told me he'll bring me to the hospital. “Two hundred baht, I bring you to hospital.” I was shocked once again because I was in the middle of an accident and unattended. I paid the man and he brought me to a second class hospital.

When I went back to my hotel limping because of a cast, crutches and bandages and all, I called a friend from the city to help me out. Three people came after two hours and they sent me to a better hospital. The doctors were saying how poorly the dressings were made. They replaced the cast, gave me better crutches and sent me back to the hotel.

The next morning I attended the seminar with all eyes on me. All throughout the four days, nobody dared to talk to me, come near me, nor ask about my situation or even say hello. I was in the Land of Smiles. There was even an instance when I was lining up for tea and when I reached the end of the line, the server told me to go to the other side because all the cups were used up. I was so frustrated but from that moment, I realized how physically challenged people feels. I sympathize with their rejections, their struggles to belong, their fight to be accepted as normal citizens.

When the last day of the seminar ended earlier, I asked a cab driver to bring me to the beach so I could take my mind off the pressures of rejection and unsupportive fellow educators. While I walked along the sandy shore, I heard someone commented, “He's already crippled and he still wanted to walk around here.” That was the last straw. I left with a broken heart. I left with a broken spirit. I left with regrets and no compassion for judgmental people.

People see what is beautiful but they fail to see the inside. I was crippled at that time but the determination to finish the seminar and learn many things so that I could impart them to my students was over the top. I haven't been as brave and more patient given that sad situation I was in, yet I learned a lot and I wanted to believe that not all people were insensitive and ruthless. They were just ignorant of the situation. They were scared.

My heart goes for the many disadvantaged children I had met throughout my entire career as a teacher. From the orphanages I supported, the bed ridden children I've taught and the autistic and down syndrome children I'd given my spare time, my respect and love will always be with them. It takes only one experience to learn a lesson for a lifetime.

Not the Fallen Leaves

All through the years, I had been counting the flowers that bloom instead of the leaves that fall. There was a time in my life last year when I was doubting everything and was losing sanity. No matter how I wanted to see the colours and the life of nature around me, it simply ceases. But for every fall, there will always be a chance to stand.

I am standing now. For to cease life ever interest is just a futile approach to living. The flowers will bloom when it wanted to so as life's surprises will come along the way. The leaves wither and the fruits dropped yet they are replaced by new buds. So when one is weary for the many sorrows and stresses, one should also be able to see what comes out of those experiences. It is life changing. It is life learning.

I struggle in many ways most especially with my goal to be accepted. I had grown in me a certain persecution complex brought about by the demands and expectations of society. There might be people who will be willingly giving up the fight but I am not one of them. I do my best in every endeavour and while seeking approval in the beginning, I had learned that I do things because I am happy to do them. There should not be any exchange or favours connected. Through life's journey, I stopped looking for acceptance for I know the moment I touch lives, the journey never ends.

I continue to count the flowers not of the trees but of the experiences I gain all throughout. I take the failures, the fallen dreams, the heartaches as withered leaves. Leaves that fall, being swept away, caught and thrown or crushed by time.