Where Do I Go From Here?

While speaking with my friend on the phone, I mentioned to her I am ready to post my blog entry entitled Sunset of My Life. She asked me what it was about and I told her it is about the end, death to be exact. That I am ready to go and that I have done what I think I should have accomplished. She agreed with me telling me that in her case, she also feel that she is ready to say goodbye as well.

Some weeks ago, I read Unplog's post about tunnels and I it dawned on me that there were some things described in his entry that exemplified my thoughts and decisions in life followed by a question of reaching the end, the light. 

For I do not know what the light is. Interpretations can be given as to what the final destination will be. So when I decided to become a teacher and then I am one now, does it mean I found my destiny. If I wanted to marry and then had a great family, is that the light I needed to pursue. If being rich and successful is my final end, then do I still need to look for more?

I try to be well spread when it comes to my experiences in life. Travel had been a priority when I first boarded an international flight to Xiamen to visit my relatives in China. After that week long watching Chinese Operas, ribbon cutting ceremonies and eating sumptuous lunches and dinners, I decided that being in one place is not my cup of tea. I needed to constantly move, not as a nomad, but someone who wanted to travel and see the world and I did.

I try to inject meaning to my life. My love life had been colourful yet unbelievably sad where each relationship either did not start well or ended instantly. It had always been my fault. I fall out of love as fast as I fall in. 

My community services had been well established since I became a teacher. I was doing rounds teaching disadvantaged children at Missionary of Charity in Tondo, Philippine General Hospital for bedridden children and in a small charitable institution in Pandacan. They did not make me materially rich but they made me a wealthy person, experience wise.

My teaching experiences had been wide in scope as I had the opportunity to teach children from 2 to 16 years old. My best years were the years spent with the younger groups of children. My long service as a teacher had given me  opportunities to represent the country, to head a department, to co-author curriculum, to give speeches, and to conduct workshops to different groups of individuals, most notably when I volunteered for three days to conduct art sessions to 30 children with down syndrome, unassisted.

I have met many people from around the globe through my travels and through my work. My close friends come from Chile, Peru, Spain, Armenia, Austria, Portugal, India, America, Malaysia, Singapore, Australia, the Philippines and in other parts of the world. 

My high school buddies had been my support all through these years. I have a few close work colleagues where I learn a great deal about life in general. The families of my students had supported me in my career and they had been generous with their words and encouragements. I owe many of my successes to the people around me.

With these summaries of my life, I do feel that I am done. My everyday musings had been redundant. My everyday movements had been robotic. My everyday thoughts had been programmed. I now live saying let the day simply start and end, for I am tired.

Finding Subjects

A friend and a colleague from work gave me a camera before she left the school for good. It was an older version of a high end camera of which I have no experience of using. So I walked around the garden and made use of this gift for practise.

I imagined having my subjects talk to me while I lovingly took their photos. They are my living companions and their beauty is what surrounds me everyday.

"I will shelter you from the sun. I will protect you from the rain."

"I maybe brown now but my beauty never fades in the eyes of my friends."

"Tiny we might be but when we are together, we become one big tree."

"I grow best when I am in the comfort of loving hands."

"Even with the wind and storm, we will still shine together."

"My heart goes to you as I shed my tears for your sorrows."

"There is always a beginning. Slowly but surely, you can make it."

"I maybe a dead leaf now, but remember that I once gave nourishment to a growing tree."

Thank you so much Sylvie for this wonderful addition to my blogging world.

Kuwentong Elepante

Ikukuwento ko sa Fil-glish para maiba naman ang nilalaman ng blog na ito. Dahil puro ka-dramahan ang nilalaman ng recent posts, isa naman action adventure ang aking i-she-share (may word bang ganyan?)

Once upon a time...

Minsan ng ako'y topakin ay nag-afternoon tea ako sa Oriental Shop, isang maliit na coffee shop with bakeries affiliated with The Oriental Hotel. Mga three hundred lang naman ang isang pot of tea so pagpasensiyahan niyo na si lolo niyo kung feeling mayaman.

Aba, bantay pala ng coffee shop na yun eh isang Pinoy. Matangkad, guwapo, at naka uniporme ng Oriental Hotel. Anong ginagawa mo diyan, dapat nag-artista ka?, ha,ha,ha. Ok biro lang po. 

Anyway, nagkakilala kami at nagtanong siya kung alam ko ba daw ang probinsiya ng Chiang Mai dahil gusto daw niya itong puntahan. Oo naman si ako, feeling tourist guide lang so we decided to go there since mayroong long weekend.

Nang umalis kami, it was my first time na sumakay ng first class train at may breakfast pa. I was able to take a shower as well bago kami nakarating ng Chiang Mai which was about ten hours by train. Pagdating duon, siyempre, wala kaming tutuluyan so we scouted for one. May mabait namang cab driver na nagdala sa amin sa isang pension house. 

O sige to the point na ang aking kuwento, hahaba pa kasi eh may gagawin ka pa, ikaw na nagbabasa nito. 

Nag-avail kami ng tour for a day at kasama na dito ang pagsakay sa majestic beast of the jungle, ang elepante. Siyempre ulit, excited si lolo niyo sumakay kasama na rin ang guest kong guwapo. (Sinasabi ko ito baka kasi madaan siya sa blog ko at maisipan na niyang bayaran ang kanyang utang)

May isang pamilyang nakatoka para sa isang medium sized elephant pero sinabihan sila ng mahout na hindi puwede ang tatlong tao for the elephant so kami ang isinakay. Nakakatakot naman po, dahil para palang dinuduyan ka sa ere na feeling mo malalaglag ka. May kadena naman kami, para bang seat belt, yun nga lang para sa aso yata yun.

Siya uga dito uga duon. Grabeh, nakakahilo. Narinig ko yung mahout namin at inutusan yung elepanteng mag-overtake. So overtake naman si Dumbo. Pag hakbang niya sa gilid ng bundok, nadulas ang panget at tumagilid ang aming elephant chair. Eh ang elephant chair na yun eh gawa sa bakal so nang tumagilid yun,tumatama malamang sa kanyang side at nasasaktan siguro ang elepante so nagwawala. 

Varooom, varooom, taas baba ang kanyang trumpeta. Si mahout naman, nag-panic pero mas dramatic ang aming kalagayan at that time.

Ako eh nadaganan ng aking kasama habang nakabitin kami sa silya. Iisa lang ang naririnig ko. "Putang-ina, putang-ina!" "Mamamatay na tayo!" ang paulit-ulit na sigaw ba naman ni pogi. 

Alam ninyo naman na ako ay isang good boy at hindi nagmumura but not in that case. Isang malakas na "PUTANG INA MO RIN! MALALAGLAG NA NGA TAYO, MURA KA PA NG MURA!" 

Tinanggal ko ang kadenang nakasukbit sa aming tiyanan at gumulong gulong kami sa damuhan. Para bang love scene sa isang teeny bopper na movie pero horror po ito o di kaya action movie. Imagine bundok yan so pababa ang aming pagbulusok. 

Nang nakatayo na kami eh hinabol kami ng elepante, takbo Darna takbo! Umuulan nuon kaya kami ay naka-kapote, orange pa ang kulay, kulang na lang may guhit, mukha na kaming nakatakas sa preso. 

"HUBARIN NATIN YUNG KAPOTE, BAKA COLOR BLIND SI DUMBO!" ang sigaw ko kay Ding, ako daw si Darna. O feeling genius naman at that time, hindi ko nga lang maalala kung may episode ba ng National Geographic tungkol sa mga nagwawalang elepante. 

Hinubad naman namin ang kapote, alangan naman damit namin at nagtatatakbo kami. Sabi ko ulit, "DUON KA PUMUNTA, DITO AKO PARA MALITO SI PARENG ELEPHANT! 

Aba ang gago, sumunod sa akin. Buti na lang at nakahabol si mahout at pinigil niya ang kanyang nagwawalang trumpeta kung hindi, wala ng nagkukuwento sa inyo nito ngayon.

Pagkatapos ng lahat, nag reklamo kami sa tour operator at binalik naman sa amin ang binayad namin. Sabi ko elephant ride po yun, hindi roller coaster!

Anyways, after the incident at nakabalik na din kami ng city, hindi ko na po friend si Ding, galit na kami dahil sa mga requests, ginawa po akong taga-bitbit ng kanyang pinamiling luya papuntang Pilipinas. Imagine mo yan, ang layo ng palengke. Buti pa yung luya, nag-eroplano! At magdala daw po ako ng asido para panlinis niya ng kubeta, ano ba yan iho? Ok ka lang?

At diyan po nagtatapos ang aming friendship. But ilang ulit na po akong muling nakasakay ng elepante at safe naman. Hanggang sa susunod na adventure story.

I Am Coloured, Not White

Yes, I am brown skinned and there is no way my colour will change even if I speak with a British accent. Yes, I am from Asia but that doesn't mean that I am inferior as a person, more so as a teacher. Yes, I am not an English native speaker but my reputation as a 'great' teacher precedes me.

I write this not for myself but for the other non-white teachers who feel the same every start of the school year. While others merely stand there as decorations with their golden hair and blue eyes, I have to literally tear myself apart for them to see how good I am as a teacher. 

I was informed that I cannot be a teacher at a bigger school because I am a non-native English speaker, same as with the qualifications for work applications and interviews. Though given an opportunity to teach, the base salary is far inferior than those who comes from the West. This scenario was also evident when I was working in my home country. There was a huge discrepancy between locals and foreign hired. Giving the latter additional benefits is fine as long as the base salary is the same since we all do the same kind of work. 

It's a sad tale to tell every year but this is a reality in life. I can always shrug my shoulders and dismiss this but in the end, it is the choice of those parents who wanted 'the perfect scenario' for their children. If deemed appropriate for a westerner to nurture the needs of their children then they have the choice and the right to choose. Though they also have the right and the choice to move out if they think that being coloured means of inferior quality. 

Colour should never be the basis for quality education. Looking beyond the outside is far better than judging someone's physicality or looks. This is going to be one hurdle I cannot win because it is a fact of life. 

Journey, Time for a Change

 Journey

Unspoken, quiet demeanour

Utter not, timorous feelings

Deep inside, nil expressions

Of grief , brim filling

Of failure, to face anew

no growth, still ongoings

Hard headed, fail to see

one's life, never changing

Dead leaves, lost direction

autumn colours, forthcoming

Scattered wild, dare to pick

different path, way traversing