Happy Memories

It's been years since I felt happiness. I am happy surrounded by children who adores their funny teacher. I am happy when I get to see my family even for just two or three times a year. I am happy when I get a pat on the back for a job well done by the parents of my students. But I am not entirely happy.

I used to be happy but when things became tougher and I had to face one of the biggest debacle of my life two years ago, I faltered, I became different. There was a choice to leave but I opted to stay. I thought I will go berserk with sadness and insecurities, but I managed to live, irregardless of my failing mental and physical health. I just wanted to free myself, to be free from responsibilities, from expectations, from hurting realities. Still, I am managing to survive.

So I will try to remember some of the greatest moments of my life as a person. The good memories will serve as my haven. It might be a precious bag of stuff or a memorable place where I get to re-live happiness. I think of the happy memories, days that I cherished, hours of exuberance, minutes of stillness that made me smile.

My Italian experience as the sole representative of Thailand is simply bliss. My one day trip to see mangroves in Krabi along with someone I miss is pure joy. My first motorcycle ride around the city proper with a friend is a thrill. The funny conversations I had with a driver in Vietnam is memorable. The parting with my new found acquaintances in Beijing, though sad, is indelible. So is the story with my American friend when we belted songs from Broadway in a piano store many years ago is rich in memories. And so is the joy I get from teaching children for years is incomparable.

If these great moments of my life will make me feel better, then I will hold on to them. When we wanted something badly, we hold on to those memories even for just a second more so as not to lose hope. For every strands of breath that pours out of our being becomes a will to go on... living.