Unexpected (February 29, 2008)

To lift up my spirit during these down days, I wanted to share this short note from a mum writing in behalf of his son.

“My son drew a sad face because he feels sad that you won’t be his teacher next year. He will miss you. He loves you very much.”

Leap year comes every four years and that's definite, but to graciously receive honest and endearing comments that can certainly melt hearts come unexpectedly. God is so good to give me the opportunity to share my life with children. I am blessed.

Dancing (February 25, 2008)

Many years ago, I enrolled in a drama class just to be able to make good of my ever boring life and I loved every moment of it. I was very eager to attend classes and very enthusiastic to learn. My instructors were both well-known in the field of stage acting while my colleagues in the class were bubbly, free-spirited and joyful individuals. I was surrounded by good people. I was happy.

I long for that feeling, the feeling of being alive and ready to face the day. I long for the feeling where I get to meet people with the same interests, the same goals, and the same cravings for improvement. I long being with those wonderful people coming from different backgrounds and walks of life but share the same sentiment to the craft, a love for acting.

I wanted to be free again. I wanted to act again. I wanted to sing out loud and be happy. I wanted to dance with the wind.

Dance as though no one is watching you,

Love as though you have never been hurt before,

Sing as though no one can hear you...

Live as though heaven is on earth. (Souza)

Drama (February 23, 2008)

I do find being in situations where I get to be the antagonist sort of a movie role but my life is an unending television melo-drama. I get to be thrown into fire, showered with bucketful of water, ditched by the lead actress or brought in the center of a scandal. Very cinematic!

I am always taken for granted sort of the way moviegoers or television watchers perceived extras in both films and television shows. For then it is always the lead actor who is to get the best girl. It is always the lead actress who gets the bouquet, the praises and the leading men.

I am tired being thrown into bouts and bouts of disagreements and misunderstandings leading to despairs and frustrations. I had enough. I wanted to lead a life that is free, peaceful and happy.

Luxuries (February 21, 2008)

I have this wonderful friend who gave me so much inspiration and words of wisdom to live by. He has this story to tell.

There was an old lady who sells tissue paper along the corner of one busy district of his city. She was often seen there peddling her wares and others see her as a pitiful woman in her old age. There were some who buy or give alms to support her living.

One day, she was spotted to be drinking coffee and the coffee is from a prominent coffee place. She was also seen in other occasions puffing a smoke. She was thrown with derisions and ugly words. She was then told that giving her alms support her craving for luxuries. She was mocked in silence.

When one gives, we are not responsible anymore where the money goes. We give because we wanted to help out. We give not to show people that we are helping others but we give because it is coming from our hearts.

The coffee didn’t come from the money she collected but it was given to her by one of the passersby. She smokes because it was the littlest luxury she can give to herself. A little something she earned by sitting amongst the smoke and noises of that business district. As for everyone, she is entitled to find some luxury of her own, to be happy.

Cycles (February 20, 2008)

I always tell myself that I won’t be doing the same thing next time I am faced with the same situation but I always end up doing the same mistakes over and over again. An example would be trusting people. I am always telling myself that people are good and I end up losing something in return.

Friends for one comprise the most bulk in my emotional growth. I long for friends and I long for trusting friendship. When a new person comes in, I wholeheartedly accept though I have not known the person well. So I try to be friendlier, to be more giving, to be more accepting. In doing so, I expect more than what I should be receiving and ending up being disappointed. I always end up lost.

When people come, I hope they walk through my life with such dignity and honour to respect themselves as they had promised. I do hope that they would in one way or another realize that I myself am human. I hope that I was born different, that I won’t be feeling miseries every now and then. Maybe being less sensitive, less loving, and less giving.

The Pearl (February 18, 2008)

I asked my students what they learned from the book and they said, "The value of friendship is far better than any treasures in the world." My students are five years old.

Sometimes, we value things in our lives like we cannot never live without them. I value my friendships with people, but sometimes, they neglect the ties I had been holding on for dear life. Time had rusted the chain but I still cling to it. Time had made the rope brittle, but I still keep the small pieces coming off the main. But I am tired, it is in waiting that makes me give up. The waiting for nothing.

On Dying (February 17, 2008)

We reach a certain pointing life that we feel it is over. There is this feeling of surrender. There is this feeling of giving up even if life’s journey is still ripe with opportunities and choices. There is always a point of exhaustion. There is always a saturation period. So sometimes we seek an end.

When things are not going very well, it is human nature to complain, to feel despair, to be disappointed. But when things are really going wayward, we think of surrendering, to the point of death.

When I was much younger, I always ask myself why I am less loved by people. I always ask why I am always losing the game. I always ask myself why others are successful but I continue struggling with life. I always think of ending my life.

However, death is not the answer to the problem. Maybe facing our fears and our struggles can help us better see how wonderful life is. Now that I am facing a better picture of my life, I always thank the Lord for giving me strength along the way.

Going Nowhere (February 15, 2008)

There are many things I wanted to do so I always dream. I am always cut short by lack of many things as well. I am lacking in resources. I am lacking in courage. I am lacking in guts. So I end up doing nothing.

I admire the many successful men and women of this century and past. There are men and women who had contributed much to the well-being of other people. There are men and women who had dedicated their lives for a better world.

I am getting older but my contributions are still little. I do hope that I get the courage to pursue higher ideals and act on them. I hope to find an inspiration, or a support. If not, I am going nowhere.

Separation (February 13, 2008)

When I was interpreting for a company for two summers, I got to meet a lot of people from all walks of life. We had the senior officers, the office staff, the factory workers, the foreign engineers, the custodians and the guards. I was at home in this factory because I felt the warmth when I walked around and greeted by the staff every morning.

The guards were very snappy when I arrive (of which I was always the late one) or when I leave the compound. The custodians were always smiling and showing respect. The office staff was accommodating to help me out with things I don’t understand. The foreign engineers were snobs but were great after work. They were hard workers indeed. The factory workers which consist mainly of locals were equally hard working and very friendly. I miss those days when I walked around showered with hellos and smiles.

But what makes it worth to blog, I’ll tell you. I was asked on and on not to mingle with the factory workers. I was told on and on again to have lunch with the senior officers or the office staff. I was told on and on again to walk around and “spy” for those people. I surely didn’t do what I was told defying orders from my senior officer in charge until I have to resign because school is to start again.

I understand why the separation but I cannot take it in my heart. I guess I am not born to belong in a corporate world. I was born to be with children, where everyone is a friend.

The Lost Horse (February 10, 2008)

One of the books I chose to read to celebrate the Chinese New Year was called The Lost Horse. It is an ancient Chinese folktale about a man, his son, and a horse- and the ever-changing fortunes of life. It's a relatively metaphysical lesson for a picture book, but Young's restrained and even suspenseful telling brings the message home warmly and appealingly, according to the editorial review for this book.

The wordings were very simple but profound. It shows how we should be facing our fears, our frustrations and our successes when they present themselves to us. It reminded me of my own attitude when I cannot get what I want or when I am experiencing some of the deepest moments of my life.

The Chinese proverb a lost may turn out to be a gain should simply one of the moving factors of life. We always feel desperate for the lost of someone or something without realizing or seeing the other side of the situation. It might be a lesson to be learned or a reminder for us to be more mindful and appreciative.

A New Beginning (February 01, 2008)

I watched a television show last night and it was very interesting. A man who had not been changing anything in his life for the past 26 years decided to make changes. Brad, the husband wanted to exchange vows for the second time with his wife. They actually divorced years earlier but realized that being together is what they were destined to.

With the help of their four wonderful children, the couple got married in their own home along with a handful of invited friends. There were joy and happiness throughout the household. While the ceremony was ongoing, some of the visitors were sniffling and some were shedding tears. I wasn’t in that room, but tears kept on flowing on my cheeks.

The moment was wonderful but what made me cry was the joy and happiness that permeated within the entire family. I was crying but I had this big smile on my face. I was crying for joy.