Growing Love (February 28, 2009)

Many years ago, I was given a hanging plant by a colleague in school as a birthday present. It doesn't bear any flowers but the plantlets were simply adorable. Fast forward time and I have to say that I have more than a hundred of the same plant because of continuous cuttings and plantings. However, it is only this month that I realized that this plant bear flowers but teenie tiny white ones and how lucky I am.

Like the plant given to me, I was fortunate to be blessed with good life, friends, a job and a family. And for many years, I struggled to belong, to be a part, and to make something different. In time, my efforts were rewarded with gratitude, prayers, material things, and love.

I commented once in another blog that I have parents with reserved expressive sides. They had never shown love through physical gestures. They have shown love by providing us with food, shelter and education. Even if the display of affection was lacking, I knew that they love us, their children. And I was silent when I was asked if I show my affection to my parents through words. The answer was no. But I have tried to show them in other ways through respect, kindness and understanding. So in our own little ways, we show our love to each other not by big hugs and loud emotions but by acknowledging each other's presence all the time. Love in a family should not stop, it should always be growing.

I wanted to grow old and be acknowledged as well. I wanted to be seen and heard. I wanted to be loved. I only have one family, but I have a lot of loving to do.

For Bel (February 24, 2009)

A cousin of mine wrote a note about her sadness with the demise of her beloved mum, her ill feelings toward her dad, and her perspective of what is to happen. We are relatives but we rarely see each other. We were drifted apart by poor family relations and the unending intrigues surrounding my aunts and uncles. nevertheless, I wrote her my thoughts and I am sharing them here.

Living has many reasons. The passing away of your mum had been a challenge for you and your family. It was very early for her to leave but there was a reason for it. Maybe, she wanted both of you, your brother and yourself, to be stronger and to pursue better goals. Maybe, she doesn't want you to be dependent on her. Maybe, she loves you so much that she exchanged her life for you to see the challenges and the surprises of living. These are all maybes. I know that it will be difficult to replace your mum in your heart and in your thoughts. She is your mum. I know it will be difficult for you to forgive your dad for his immediate actions but he is still your dad.

Our family were never open to discussions and feelings. They were not trained to listen, they only order us. For them, rearing a family means giving them allowances and sending them to school. They are from the old school. We cannot blame people when they themselves, do not know what they had been doing but the harm was already done. I was a victim myself.

You are still hurting because you lost someone special. Who won't but life must go on. I always make it a point to accept what had happened and move. You need to let go of ill feelings towards yourself first to be able to step forward. Then little by little try to forgive. It is going to be difficult but with some people who understands your situation, it can happen. We are not close cousins but reading your letter shows your maturity and wisdom. I am here to listen because I was in your shoe some time ago. My dad wasn't the best one either. I was always the last in the family. I was never loved. But that was some years ago. For now, I am at peace. Chin up, pray and welcome a new beginning. I'll include you in my prayers.

And so I thought I was alone in my dilemma, then realizing that I was being selfish thinking only of myself.

Yakov and the Seven Thieves

Yakov and the Seven Thieves is one of Madonna's literary books for children. Written on the front flap is an introduction to this book inspired by the Baal Shem Tov, a great teacher who lived in the Ukraine in the 18th century.

To quote the author, "It is a story about how all of us have the ability to unlock the gates of Heaven - no matter how unworthy we think we are. For when we go against our selfish natures, we make miracles happen, in our lives and in the lives of others. We must never forget that hidden behind a large amount of darkness is a large amount of light."

The illustrations done by Gennady Spirin are delightful to the senses. The patterns on gold paper for both front and back covers are amazing. The pictures are life-like and full of details. It is not surprising then for this master to receive four gold medals from different institutions.

The book opens up hope for those who are lost in their faith. It is indeed reassuring that not only those who are religious and church goers are good as there are many individuals whose goodness are selflessly shared towards others. The goodness in one's heart is not enough to buy us a piece of heaven. The kindness in one's life is not just to earn us merit. Being good means not just to oneself but also to others.

So when I lend you money, am I being good? So when I don't volunteer my time to charity, am I being bad? So when I say thank you, am I being polite? So when I give a negative remark, am I being nasty? Who is to measure since we are not absolute? We have choices, we just have to make them right.

All Alike All Different (February 16, 2009)

I have written entries about five women that I cherish within my group of friends. We were together since high school days. We meet for dining outs, exchanging intellectual talks, celebrating birthdays, sharing joys and life's ups and downs along with four other male friends. This entry is for the five lovely women in my life, a repost from another blog, but a tribute to their wonderful presence.

E- In any group, there will always be someone who is going to be colourful, energy-filled, delightfully childlike, and others. It makes the group, a community of individuals that is different but alike in many ways. The likeness amongst the group creates a web to make a fine thread of solidarity. The differences add to the identity and uniqueness of the group.

E is colorful, energy-filled and delightfully childlike. She has one of the most colorful lives, filling each frame of her years with travels, trials and challenges. She is energy-filled- balancing personal life with her ever busy professional life. She is delightfully childlike and not because she is the youngest in the group. But her most endearing asset is her commitment to her family. I have seen her struggles but it is her love for her mum that I salute E for.

S- There are many wonderful things around us that we take for granted such as the fluttering of butterflies, the smell of the rose, the colour of the sunshine, and others. However, there are things in life that we should not take for granted such as friendship. In friendship, we celebrate its joy by acknowledging the presence of our good friends come what may. And there are people who will remain faithful and loving to her friends in spite of her busy schedule and family life. S will always be appreciated and loved because of her humility, diligence, and zest for life.

When she opened her life to us, we felt the sincerity of her heart and the true being that permeates her core. When she started telling her wonderful tales in life, the tears that fell from my eyes were living proof of my admiration to this incredible friend. She is a loving friend, a loving mother and a role model for us.

D- There must be something about D that I treasure so much that I find myself writing an entry about her, once again. It must be her commanding presence that's why she was given the name, Ma'am Diana. It must be her personality or educational background. It must be her sincerity in dealing with people. It must be the goodness within her that she has never forgotten to reach out to the needy.

But D is just like me and just like the readers of this entry. She might also be a vulnerable person who also cries at night. She might also be a sensitive individual who is rocked by troubles and criticisms at times. She might also be carrying a load that is heavy for her to bear . She is also human. And it is this human-ness in her that makes her real. It is not a mask she wears. She is indeed a beautiful person. When one is in need, she is always willing to help. When one needs a listening ear, she is always there to listen. She humbly accepts people and genuinely offers her support. Instead of walls, she create bridges. Instead of closing, she shares her heart.

J- We have known each other since high school when we became classmates in the second year. Along the way we had been teasing each other as oldies including another friend of ours. We graduated from high school, attended university and later on became neighbours and so we connected once again. We started watching repertory shows, having dinner together and reminiscing old times. We bonded with our other high school friends and all ten of us became a group, friendship intact.

Walking through one beautiful garden, we found this extra-ordinary flower and she chose this one to be her persona. Knowing her she actually exudes goodness and a great spirit. Like a zinnia, each and every petal of this flower represents a certain persona that has to be discovered to be appreciated. Even the colours say something about her personality. It is in looking inside that we see the true colors. It is in looking inside and knowing her that we get to appreciate the best in her. She is one of the most intelligent and humble person rarely appreciated.

P- To describe P is like painting a picture. One starts with a canvas and an idea then creatively execute the idea into an image for others to appreciate. Her entire persona is manifested not just by looking at the artwork but also with the feelings that comes with it. She is smart, humble, joyful, forgiving, unperturbed and simply amazing.

And when one put the finishing touches to a painting, we then get to appreciate her bubbly nature and the talents she exudes. She is probably the glue within, making the friendship intact. She makes sure that everyone is included and that everyone is treated equally. She is the colour and the light that gives a greater sense of form to a composition, the composition of our friendships.

Five beautiful women- all alike, all different.

You Make Me Smile (February 14, 2009)

What makes me smile?

- the wind that blows on my face as I ride a motorbike
- the morning greetings
- the smiles and the hugs I get from my students
- the polite thank you's
- the e-mails from friends and family
- the taste of donuts, chocolates and cakes
- the calls from friends outside the country
- the blooms and scents in my garden
- the sight of two people holding hands
- the love of a mum to her child
- the active prrsence of a dad in a family
- the look in a child's eyes
- the sound of chirping birds
- the taste of food on the dining table
- the camaraderie of people around me
- the hello's of strangers
- the birth of a baby
- the thought of going to the beach
- the absence of hatred
- the simple jokes I hear
- the comments I receive from readers
- the noisy dogs of my neighbours
- the idea of going home
- the load of carrying shopping bags
- the presence of love

Mystery (February 10, 2009)

I had been waiting for this thing to open up because I am intrigued as to what it is. First the blooms came and then they faded, small packets sprung up and started to grow big. I am amazed on its transformation. There are many of them right now.

When I meet people I always give the benefit of the doubt. I am all ears and happy to meet them. Intentions are there that I cannot hide where mine is the intention to make more and more friends. However, I have been meeting the wrong people. After some time, the intentions are surfacing through constant asking of favours and then financial help.

One day I took a cab and the traffic was quite bad. The driver started conversing because of the bad traffic. I was trying to be polite and later genial so we get to speak about work, family and interests. Upon learning that I'm working in an international community, he immediately assumed that I earn a lot. Then he asked if he can borrow money from me.

Cab driver: Could I borrow a thousand baht from you?

Me: Hah! Why would I lend you money when I don't even know who you are?
Cab Driver: Then I'll give you my mobile number and we can be friends.

Me: Sim cards are readily available at 7-Eleven stores. You can buy one after this conversation and I have no assurance that you will be paying me back.

Cab Driver: How about five hundred?

Me: No! I am sorry. Oh, here's my home. Stop here please.

Cab Driver: Is this your house? Are you with your family?

Me: Yes, my parents, brothers and sisters are there even my grandparents.

Cab Driver: So I won't be able to borrow money from you?

Me: Sorry, find someone like a friend.

I got off the cab, waited for the driver to leave, and walked home as the house where I was dropped was not mine. This driver is like the transformation I saw in my garden. The flowers so bright and pretty, was his persona in the beginning. With time, the changes are happening right before my eyes. There was a hidden agenda, an intention I cannot unravel though I know if I lend him some money, it will never be returned.

Now (February 8, 2009)

Most entries I had been reading were about lost, giving up, desolation, anger, emptiness and contempt. Then as I follow those blogs, I am glad that each and every one had been finding their space, their own role in this world, their own presence. I am glad that I am also reminded by these stories that I am not alone, and that this is just a transient feeling.

But to live being miserable because of a lost is not healthy. To live in desolation because of a missed opportunity is a waste. To live accusing one's fall to others is frailty. The living is just an existence without growth. The living is just a shadow without a figure. Living is wasted.

There is no point looking at yesterday to make us pitiful and miserable today. Yesterday was the past and all lessons learned should be put into use. Today is the day you make a life. Today is a beginning. Tomorrow is looking bright at the horizon. And when one stays put in darkness, one will never see the light.

In life, we can do something about our feelings and hardships. Our free will tells us that we can break out of the chains or make it rusty. It is called a choice. If one decides to get out, then do it, against all odds. If one decides to accept life's unfair treatment, then I have no more point to hammer.

Words are mere expressions of our feelings

but positive actions create new beginnings.

The time is now.

Because I Love You (February 06, 2009)

Max Lucado’s inspirational books has been inspiring me to continue loving my faith. His Because I Love You is an interesting look at how God loves us by giving us a choice.

In this life, we can always say that we try to be better in all our endeavours and we try to lead a good life in our daily dealings. Sometimes, we succeed and feel happy for the blessings. Sometimes, we fail and feel miserable. When we ask for things, some are given, some are not.

When I was young, I always ask my dad to buy me a train set. I wanted a big mechanical train set that I can assemble together, lay on the floor and play. I didn't get one. I asked my godmother to buy me one and she politely declined by saying she cannot afford such a toy.

When I was older, I asked my dad if I can go to piano lessons. I asked if we can afford to buy a piano though knowing it costs a lot of money. I studied piano by myself by practising in my aunt's home. It was an old piano, needed to be tuned but I stayed on task trying to learn the keys and the chords. With all those combined short hours of practising, I learned how to play simple songs using my own style of playing.

Though these were just few of the things I wasn't able to acquire, I knew there were reasons for these. The train set was not a priority in a family of six as four siblings need to attend schooling and money was an issue. The piano lessons might prove expensive as I might not have the will to finish them if given that easy. Striving to learn with the mentioned challenges proved to be worthier.

Though I felt bad when I don't get the things I want, I knew there were better things in stored for me. God gave me a choice to feel bad for a long time or to break away from this ill feelings. I chose the latter.

God gave me a job right after graduation, foster parents who adopted me during my neophyte days, security in my workplace, heart warming friends and colleagues to love and work with, and a delightful family. He gave these to me because He loves me. It is a choice I make, believing in Him and in His goodness.

Visits (February 02, 2009)

Two important bloggers commented on my present woes about my lack of sunshine. Both have strong words to say. Both were correct. Both were encouraging and motivating.

"You can't always be lonely even if you're alone. Try to feel the serenity of being with yourself." commented JP. I always boast of my garden and it is where I find my serenity everyday as I admire the blossoms, trim the branches and water the plants. I always mention that the garden is my spiritual place, my consolation for a long day's work. I always say that being in the garden does not make me feel alone but I am at peace with myself and the world around me. JP's words gave me an awakening that in my own little place in Bangkok, I can find peace right in my home.

"It could be all the memories and experiences you've had that always put a smile on your face. The sun shines on all of us. Just take a few more steps out to the open..." commented Roy. This is true as I always pride myself of the joys I bring to my students and their parents' lives. Yes, the sun shines on all of us and it was my negative outlook within these two weeks that clouded my perception of life. I was waiting at the shade and looking at the shadows when I can be enjoying the light.

Then, I was blessed by the visits I got from former students. One was from the US based in Singapore and though the child was not in my class, she mentioned that she remembers me from visiting my class in the afternoon. Another was a student three years ago from The Netherlands. He gave me a hug and mum told me that he always ask about me and that he remembers his wonderful stay in our school when he was four. The last one was from Finland and it was so touching when he said that he misses me.

People like JP and Roy are indeed important. They came visiting my blog and gave me the strength I needed. Students like Mei Mei, Thomas and Luukas are indeed my life's treasures. They came visiting the school and gave me a firmer stand in life, that I am important. So when one comes visiting, it is God's way of telling us that we are not alone.