For Bel (February 24, 2009)

A cousin of mine wrote a note about her sadness with the demise of her beloved mum, her ill feelings toward her dad, and her perspective of what is to happen. We are relatives but we rarely see each other. We were drifted apart by poor family relations and the unending intrigues surrounding my aunts and uncles. nevertheless, I wrote her my thoughts and I am sharing them here.

Living has many reasons. The passing away of your mum had been a challenge for you and your family. It was very early for her to leave but there was a reason for it. Maybe, she wanted both of you, your brother and yourself, to be stronger and to pursue better goals. Maybe, she doesn't want you to be dependent on her. Maybe, she loves you so much that she exchanged her life for you to see the challenges and the surprises of living. These are all maybes. I know that it will be difficult to replace your mum in your heart and in your thoughts. She is your mum. I know it will be difficult for you to forgive your dad for his immediate actions but he is still your dad.

Our family were never open to discussions and feelings. They were not trained to listen, they only order us. For them, rearing a family means giving them allowances and sending them to school. They are from the old school. We cannot blame people when they themselves, do not know what they had been doing but the harm was already done. I was a victim myself.

You are still hurting because you lost someone special. Who won't but life must go on. I always make it a point to accept what had happened and move. You need to let go of ill feelings towards yourself first to be able to step forward. Then little by little try to forgive. It is going to be difficult but with some people who understands your situation, it can happen. We are not close cousins but reading your letter shows your maturity and wisdom. I am here to listen because I was in your shoe some time ago. My dad wasn't the best one either. I was always the last in the family. I was never loved. But that was some years ago. For now, I am at peace. Chin up, pray and welcome a new beginning. I'll include you in my prayers.

And so I thought I was alone in my dilemma, then realizing that I was being selfish thinking only of myself.