A Wake Up Call

I was to post this earlier but I guess it is too late now, so I am posting this as a tribute to my dad who passed away this morning around 10 (April 30, 2015).

It wasn't the same sentiment when he decided to leave the country. Stepping on that plane, with curiosity and excitement, gave none of the nostalgic sentiments associated with going away. Perhaps, the person who left had more anticipation of a new life rather than those who were left, as one bird in their nest, decided to fly away.

His decision to leave was triggered by his inability to make amends with his father. From childhood to adulthood, there were snippets of a difficult relationship. From abandoning the responsibility to pay for his tuition, to publicly humiliating his son in front of others because he did not make it to the honour roll. 

Physical abuse were a part of his growing. A fork flew towards him while they were eating because he did not answer as soon as he was asked. A towel was used to strangle him in one petty situation. Harsh words were thrown at him when he pursued acting and teaching as his career choices, and often forced into his head that those activities were not for men. 

That man, who was offered a job to leave the country, grabbed the opportunity to escape and escape he did, as he did not return anymore for good. For many years, he will pay a visit because of his mom and would often stay less than fifteen days in a year. Those visits became rarer when his mom passed away as there was no more reason to be back. 

When he heard of the many unfortunate events happening back home, he felt the same guilty feeling he had when he lost his mom. Though the childhood trials linger, there was a pinch of sadness and a change of heart until he received a message from his former student.

Natty had studied with him during Saturdays and they had formed a good bond between themselves. The girl was difficult to teach because she was stubborn though she was really, really bright. After more than two years, her dad was very sick so they decided to stop going to his house for extra tuition.

Natty: Hello teacher. I have bad news to tell you.

Teacher: What is it?

Natty: My dad passed away on March 2.

Teacher: I am sorry to hear this, my condolences.

Natty: But I have good news too! I passed the exam and 

I will attend a new school this coming school year.

Teacher: Good job! Do great things for your dad. He is looking after you.

Natty: My mum is crying after my dad passed away.

Teacher: I hope she will stay strong. Take care of her.

Natty: My dad had cancer and he ate medicine that 

can help him live without pain but it made his body unresponsive.

The psychiatrist told me that the last thing people can respond to is hearing so I told him that I love him so much at the hospital. Sometimes I cry when I miss him because it's like something disappeared from my life. When I miss him, I'll tell myself that he is at rest.

Teacher: Your dad leaving you at this very young age is painful but I know how strong you are. 

Natty: The psychiatrist told me that her father passed away about the same age as I. She said that her father had an accident and that she wasn't able to tell anything to her dad. She told me that I'm luckier than her that I can tell my father what I want to say.

Teacher: You know what I remember now. You can't lend me the book Charlie and the Chocolate Factory because it was from your dad so please keep that book as a memory of him. I know you treasure that book. 

Natty: I will. 

After that short chat conversation, the man looked from a distance and tears came running down his cheeks. It was a wake up call and it was time to make proper amends. Maybe a really positive and open conversation will do. But maybe, an upcoming visit will reign light and closure to those issues.

So I, will do.

Update: When my brother/sister asked me if there is something I wanted to say to my dad as he was in the emergency room, I sobbed and cried saying, "Please send my apologies."