Moving and Leaving (September 25, 2007)

I packed all my gardening books for good. I have collected and have read all 26 of my books as I have a garden and a lot of other things. Next in line will be the plants, the trees, and the ever so expensive pots I have accumulated for many years.

I am moving to a small place, probably a room where I can just retreat after working for almost twelve hours of each day. I have been neglecting the garden but they are still luscious and green because of the rain.

Will I survive? Probably not as I am having nightmares now knowing that the day will come that I have no plants around me. The garden I boast in this blog and to my friends will simply be left unattended, or maybe given away.

In life, things are not permanent and I am now in that stage that I am about to give what I enjoy best.

At War With Myself (September 23, 2007)

A part of me is saying I better leave now. A part of me is saying I should stay. I am confused and uncertain with what there is for me. I am always asking.

For many days now, I have been staring and lost. For many nights I have nightmares. I can't sleep and I can't function well. I must be getting crazy.

It must be a stage. Just like boredom, it comes naturally. It can also be a burnout and this few weeks had been giving me unwanted miseries.

Just ranting. No one to speak with. I am all by myself. I am on my own.

Giving and Forgiving (September 21, 2007)

I wrote in one of my profile that The Giving Tree is one of my all-time favorite book. It tells the story of a tree who loves a boy so much that the tree is willing to give everything. The tree gave its fruits, its branches, its trunk until it became just one plain stump.

I still have to meet a person as giving and forgiving as the Giving Tree. I can never be so giving and I am never so forgiving. So when I hear of real people who dedicates their lives in helping the needy, I respect them a lot. I may not be as giving and forgiving but I do pray that I can be in my own little ways.

Finding Jonathan (September 15,2007)

I was reading the book Crystal Heart with a student of mine who likes fairy tales and princesses. The book tells about the story of a princess who heard the singing voice of a man from a faraway distance as she is up in a tower. She became ill when she started to miss the singing voice, thinking it must be from a mandarin’s son. The only cure is for the man to sing again for her. Upon seeing the man in person, she laughed at herself saying how foolish she had been to fall in love with a man who is just a lowly fisherman.

This story reminded me of my early years when I was in the university and then on to my graduate school. I had been pursued by some because they knew I am academically inclined and not because I possess what you might call ‘handsome’ attributes. When I was working, I get to meet some people who were interested for some time until they learned I am a mere teacher. I have no car, I don’t have my own place and I earn a meager salary commensurate to a clerical worker.

People have choices and they chose someone far better than what I can offer. No regrets. But that was many years ago, times have changed. What have not changed is that I am still a teacher and had care not to the demands of those who wanted more money, more fame and more luxuries in life. And always remember, there is always a treasure in each and one of us. You just have to find it.

Determination (September 13, 2007)

In my second time to attend an acting class, I was privileged once again to be under the tutelage with one of the leading stage performer of the original Miss Saigon. She is a walking inspiration as she has shown that we can reach our stars when we look for it.

The class comprised of many men and women in the very beginning. Surprising to tell you, but the class diminished into ten people consisting of just two men and the rest were women. There were many reasons given to their dropping the class. Some mentioned the late class hours; others were scared of the language used in class. One even commented that the class was very elitist.

Thinking about it, it wasn’t about schedules, language or the demands of the teachers. They were aware of the consequences when they enrolled. The main factor was determination. If each and everyone were determined to make it to the end, then the class will be more fun, more exciting, and more productive. Anyway, the end product of the acting class was a jewel. I am proud I was determined to reach the end. In fact, it was just the beginning.

Change (September 11, 2007)

I got this quote from one e-mail I received but just cannot remember from whom.

Just because you love something or someone doesn't mean you can't live without it. Yes, life will be different, but does that necessarily mean it has to be worse? Change has to happen -- that's how you grow.

I read this like a mantra so that I won't be feeling bad for many things I lost, I let go, or simply didn't reciprocate. I lost many things but they are just material ones so it doesn't really matter. I lost many friends not because I abandoned them but because I learned how to love myself rather than always sacrificing for them, always giving, and always getting hurt.

No matter what, I still send my thanks to them for making me stronger and a better person.

Vietnam (September 10, 2007)

My visit to Vietnam many years ago was a travel full of anecdotes that until now, I share to many of my international and local friends. I went to Ho Chi Minh with a very close American friend and we met her sister in there who was traveling around Asia. We had a blast.

However, I was ill for the first three days I was there so I ended up walking along the streets to explore city life. When I was stronger, we went to explore other sights of the city and its outskirt.

Early one night while I was strolling, I was hailed by a beautiful lady asking me to get in her bike and she'll drive me to her home. I refused and learned later what her intention was.

The next day I was being encouraged by a rickshaw driver to go and visit a certain place. I vividly remember his words, "You go and see young lady. You take away clothes. She takes away clothes. You touch everything." complete with hand gestures. I was rolling with laughter.

Vietnam is my place to shop and eat excellent food. It is a wonderful country not to be missed.

Star Quality (September 09, 2007)

As a shy person, I had the privilege to study with one of the most respected stage actors when I enrolled myself in acting. Assisting my teacher is an up and coming stage actor as well. On my first day, I was a little late as I cannot find the room where the acting classes were being held. I came in the door quietly and sat among the group.

After a week of grueling exercises, body explorations and transforming ourselves into the most imaginative objects, we were given a talk. It was a talk that I won’t be forgetting as long as I am alive.

The teachers started bombarding each and everyone with a litany of harsh words about behaviors, attitudes, approach in learning and the lingering laziness and lack of motivation among the participants. Afterwards, I was called and became the focal point of the entire meeting.

“Just look at Jonathan. When he entered the door the first day of classes, we looked at each other and said, “The nerd is here.” Holding a pen and a notebook, wearing glasses and having this lack of expression, he started the day with much enthusiasm and fervor. He is there every day and every minute of each and every exercise. He shines when he performs. He gives his best whether he is a mere passerby or a prop in a short exercise. He is what we wanted all of you to be. If you cannot be like him and are not dedicated to this craft, please do not come to class tomorrow.”

I was dumbfounded, speechless and cared not for the praises. I was afraid that my friends will disappear. I was scared that they will resent me. But they all came back the next day. They showed more interests. They showed more camaraderie. We became one strong group of friends.

A Gardener (September 08, 2007)

A few days ago, I heard a fellow teacher asking help if she can have pictures of vegetable gardens as she is interested in building a project in her school. I volunteered to bring a book to show her. Yesterday, while I was showing her one of my gardening books, she asked me how many children's books I have in my house, that is, if I have counted them. I told her I have around 1800 and more and that's just the children's literature. I also mentioned that I have 19 garden books at home, (but then I counted them when I went back and found out I have 26 books).

Anyway, what surprised me was her comment, "It does not strike me that you would love gardening and that you do gardening." Added question was, "where do you do your gardening?" I answered her that it is my passion to grow things from small beginnings. That I have a garden that seems to be a forest now because of its luscious greenery and bugs aplenty.

Later on that day, I put on my thinking cap asking myself, "How does a gardener looks like?" Further on, I asked myself, "How should a construction worker, an office person, a teacher, a banker, an engineer, an artist look like?" Sometimes, we are placed into specific moulds and are expected to act the role given to us but this I disagree. I maybe a teacher, but I am also a gardener, an artist, a stage actor and a business person. I maybe simple looking but I have a great spirit to explore, try and do things. And it is in doing what we like and enjoy that makes living a fuller experience.

Languages (September 4, 2007)

I teach children coming from different countries and not everyone is conversant in the English language. My role is to make them part of the class by giving them opportunities to learn and explore and appreciate the language. In my experience, learning another language is an advantage as I speak a number as well.

In my class there is a little boy who is smart and well-mannered. He is lively and always has a good attitude towards school. However he goes home everyday and complains to his mum that no one had played with him in school. The problem lies in his ability or lack of ability to communicate and not because he is rude or unapproachable. My job now is to equip him with the right tools to be able to communicate and be part of the social play.

When I go to other countries, I like to assimilate myself especially in Asia as I look and speak a number of Asian languages. I feel good and in return, I get to gain friends as well. Learning a language is a good thing. It might be just fanciful in the beginning but in the long run, it is worth the effort.