Bitterness (December 10, 2008)

I have to sit down for a long time to finally put my thoughts together and write an entry about bitterness. Then I paused for a moment to re-think whether in my life I had been bitter or not. There were moments of bitterness I felt amongst my family members and of my friends. I recalled some of the reasons, some trivial and some that means so much to me.

When I was in third grade, I didn’t make it to the top three. Finishing fourth in class, my grades were still the best compared to my peers and to my siblings who had been struggling to make good grades. I came home, showed my report card and told my dad, “I didn’t make it to the honour roll.” With a smirk in his face, he blurted right in front of everyone during dinner that I didn’t deserve to receive an honour, I deserve to be called a loser. I cried and up to this time, remembered the look on his face and the voice that echoed from the past. I was devastated.

I remember this episode in high school when I don’t eat proper lunch so I can save my money to buy my mom a present for her birthday. With enough money saved, I went to the most expensive mall and got a hand fan embroidered in silk and finished with floral designs. I asked the store attendant to wrap it for me so that the presentation would be flawless. Then the morning came to greet my mom. I gave her my present and asked her to open the box right away as I was more excited than her. She unwrapped the paper, opened the box and said with a sad tone, “Did you get this from the open market?” I was devastated.

There were still many stories to tell but that would be opening the many wounds of the past. The question is whether I became bitter to myself, to my family or to my friends. The answer is no. The past had been experiences that made me stronger. Those experiences gave me the will to fight, to move and succeed in life. Those experiences are just stories of the past and mere cobwebs that needed to be brushed off.

When I was laughed at for not being on top of the honour list, I studied harder. When I was given a doubtful look, I took it as a challenge to find something better to give. When I was neglected of their duties, I looked for other ways to finance my studies. When I was rejected by my friends for being simple, I gave it a shrug and moved on. When I lost my first love, I cried and cried until those tears washed away my dying spirit.

I can be bitter all through my life and pass the bitterness to everyone I meet. Instead, I write inspirations and stories to read. You are reading one. I hope that in my everyday entries, you learn something about me and about life. Life is too short, live it!