Sibling Rivalry (December 28, 2007)

It is common for siblings to have some arguments here and there. It is also common for siblings to have misunderstandings especially when they see each siblings being treated differently. It's all because of perspective.

I might perceived my younger brother as being the fave son in my clan but because I always compare what I had and what he got. Another one might see that I am the fave son because I received attention when I am around. Still another might perceive favoritism because he or she is always being defended when arguments arise.

I understand being a parent not because I am one but because I am a teacher. I also have my favorites in class but I like my students because of their qualities and not because of their sweetness or because they are being obedient all the time. Each and every student of mine have outstanding qualities that I admire and cherish. And this goes with siblings in a family.

One may be the fave when it comes to doing chores at home because he or she is always tidy and helpful. Another can be the fave because he or she is supportive of his or her parent's choices. Another can be the fave one because he or she is very much independent. Many reasons and it is but a fact of life.

If we see in others what we don't have, then we will be miserable all throughout but if we see what we have, then we can be contented and happier. C'est la vie!

Motherly Love (December 25, 2007)

Christmas is the time to look into relationships. One relationship I wanted to recapture in words will be my relationship with my mum.

She may not be the best or the greatest woman on earth but she is my mum. She cared for me since my existence and had been my side until now. She is a living giant of love and patience.

For many years now, I am miles away from her. I do not have the opportunity to see her on an everyday basis nor talk to her on the phone to say hello. I had been drifting apart from our relationship. So I make sure that I go and visit even once every year and I know this is not enough.

When she was sick, I wasn't there. When she was weary and tired from thinking and crying, I wasn't able to comfort her. When she was feeling lonely, I wasn't around to cheer her up. I feel bad and I feel helpless. Being miles away is simply a big challenge.

Christmas day is very special and it is also her birthday. I visited her and showed her that she is one special mum, a mother through and through.

Gifts (December 21, 2007)

If I have to give three presents for Christmas, I would be opting for these:

Time
It had been a whirlwind of activities for the past years that I am always moving in and out day and night. I am practically working for almost twelve hours and when I surrender home, I am exhausted. I didn't have enough time for myself and for my friends. I didn't give enough time for others.

Understanding
I always think that things can be explained without much effort. So in dealing with people, I expect them to understand what was being discussed or communicated upon. I was wrong! I have to understand that people operate in many levels. Some are fast thinkers while some needs time to process information. This is probably one of my greatest need, the need to understand people.

Love
Easy to say but giving and receiving love had been a big issue for me. Many had loved me in many ways. My students, my fellow workers, my family, my friends, and others had been giving and forgiving of my lack of effort to reciprocate. In the end, I am lost and lonely. I need to open my heart and give. Those people who had been understanding and forgiving had been showing me that it is not late to give in return.

No Regrets (December 19, 2007)

Though there are so many regrets in life, I still live my life to be the best I can. When a friend leaves, I tell myself that it is for the good. When I let go, I cry but the tears make me stronger to face another day. When I fall, I stand up and tell myself it is not the end of the world. When I regret, it is because I made it happen for a reason.

When I was in the university studying to be a teacher, my professor whom I like so much, asked us what could be one of the greatest regrets we had. I thought for a moment and answered, “I have a lot but one thing I am not regretting is becoming a teacher.”

And just today a letter from another parent came and said, "You are truly the best teacher our twins could ask for- how blessed they are to have you!" And nothing can beat that.

Regrets (December 18, 2007)

Christmas is the time where we get to give presents to our loved ones and receive some from others. Christmas is the best time for me to reflect the year and make amends of what I have done to people. Christmas is the time of cheers and love. It is in the spirit of this festive holiday that I like to ponder on few things, mainly to regret a few.

I regret cutting ties with a friend I fondly cherish. I regret not visiting my international friends and connecting with them. I regret not being with my parents through their sickness and needs. I regret not attending parties and simply connecting again with friends.

How do you change something that had happened in the past? How do you mend broken ties when it was I who cut it off ? What makes living simple when I am beset with material things? What makes happiness tick when all I do is run away from it?

I am not in control of my life. I am lost. I may be in the pinnacle of despair. I am not happy. I have many regrets. But I know that this is just a phase.

In Silence (December 15, 2007)

I had many episodes of anger and bad moods but it had been consistent that I ended retreating in silence. Silence for me is a means to end my anger. It may also be the start of a brewing war against someone. Silence for me is a sign of letting go but it can also be the beginning of anguish and hatred. Silence offers no help, but when I am angry I cannot resort to the same thing I do before, that is, to cry.

It must be the age that makes me stop crying. It must also be time that made me tougher when bad things arise. It must be there is so much hatred that I can’t even shed any tears.

This is not healthy because deep within me I can feel that my head is spinning, my strength diminishing, and my breathing becoming faster. I have to find a way to release my anger. I have to find a way to take this hatred away. I have to find a way.

Rude Behaviour (December 12, 2007)

I always have good manners and not because I am a teacher or would like to be a role model to my students but because I believe that each and every person deserved to be respected and treated well. I am always wrong with this because I always meet people from all walks of life who shine in the category of boorishness.

I teach a group of children coming from a prestigious school and from a very high profile background. It has been a condition between me and the mum of these children that I will have to be send home after tutorials. It was a fair deal because I only ask for a minimal amount as fees. Besides, their residence is quite a short distance from my humble abode so it might not be a big deal for them.

Since I have been teaching these children, there had been constant changing of drivers in their household. Don’t ask me why but the last two sets of drivers scared me because of their appalling behaviour.

Every time one of the drivers sends me home, he would often say to himself, “Hah! You live alone here.” I wonder what he means about that statement. The last two drivers just don’t reciprocate my greetings and thanks. They would even give a menacing look while driving or before sending me off. Never smiling, never showing any respect, they are very impolite.

I like talking to people and being kind and nice to them whatever background they might have. However, when having to see those kinds, I simply cannot take their rude behaviour.

Question (December 09, 2007)

I am very independent even at a very young age. I see my siblings asking help from my dad about school works and projects. I don’t. I simply climb up a cabinet and do my work on top so that nobody will disturb me. Surely, nobody disturbs me when I am working.

When I became older, I was given the responsibility to do house work every day including setting the table, washing the dishes, cleaning up the house and the family car. I do them all in one condition, that I will finish my school work first before doing the house works.

My father hated me when I show such grumpy mood when I am asked to clean something. Not because I don’t want to but because I am not done with my school work and that we have maids at home. But he simply doesn’t care.

Until now, I still wonder why he would be cross when I give importance to my studies and why he would like to see me working all the time. I wanted to believe that it is called training and I hate to think of it as a punishment or as resentment for having me as a son.

The world is made up of mysteries and it takes time to unravel each and every thread that makes it up. Fortunately, whatever happened before became a cornerstone for my growth and not for my failure.

Mocking (December 08,2007)

I have a watch that I bought from an open market. It doesn’t cost much and I thought of wearing it as an everyday accessory. One time, I was asked by an acquaintance for dinner and so I went to meet this person. We were chatting when he noticed my watch and started chuckling.

“Why are you wearing a watch like that?” he blurted. I asked him if there is something wrong. “It’s so cheap and I can’t imagine you wearing it.” I answered him that a watch for me is for telling time and not for others to see. A brand doesn’t have anything to do with it, the function is more important.

I still wore the watch even after that incident until my watch broke. It was my constant companion. It gave me the correct time so I can be in my scheduled meets. It gave me the time so I can be in my respective class on the dot. It made me arrive minutes before so I wasn’t late.

It sure helps to strap myself with a pricey watch or a branded one but it does not really matter. I won’t be spending so much money for a watch that will make my acquaintances envy me, talk about it, or be stolen by thieves. Function before presentation.

Come to think of it, the wealthy and educated friends I have are into simplicity. They wear unbranded things, yet so sophisticated and elegant in both speech and manners. Yet the ones that are constantly in need of help and support are the one who mocks. What a pity!

In Honor of the King (December 05, 2007)

There is always someone in the history of mankind that will shine during his or her existence. There is always going to be someone who will be respected by all and revered as god.

I can fondly remember the first time I saw the King of Thailand. We were lost, as my friend and I, wanted to visit Chinatown that day. We wanted to avoid the crowd. Instead of getting off at a certain pier, we ended getting off at a place where the King will be passing to greet his people. We were walking and walking until we spotted something interesting to take pictures of. While standing right in front of the huge crowd, there was a loud uproar then total silence. The King passed right in front where I was standing. I was dumbfounded. I was silenced. I was blessed.

There were goose bumps all over me. Never in my life have I thought that I will be seeing the King in person. And there he was, waving to the spectators while the crowd waved flags to greet him. It was a momentous event. It is unparallel in comparison.

Today marked his 80th birthday and I am so full of joy to be part of his celebration. He is indeed a superb individual whose contributions and support to the country are highly honored and accepted with gratitude. A great man, a great King.

To Belong (December 04, 2007)

I have a very good friend from another country but we see each other almost every year. He is a very dedicated person not only to his family but also to his craft and the people around him. He is smart and very considerate as well.

When we first met, I was amazed on how he can discuss varied issues related to politics, social living, current events and religion. When we are together, it is just like a battle of wits. Nobody wanted to lose, nobody gives up. We always have our own stands and we almost always disagree. This did not cause any rift but made our friendship stronger.

I was very sad to learn about his recent medical operation and that I wasn’t able to be there. But learning that people had been around him at that moment, I felt relieved. I recently gave him a call and it was very good to hear again his voice. He is dearly missed.

He was instrumental for me to meet two other excellent girl friends and a couple of other Christian believers. He also introduced me to two of the most interesting, creative and intelligent individuals I have met. I went out with this group once and I was blessed not only because of their presence but because of their goodness and humility.

When I took a train to go to the airport, tears were flowing down my cheeks. I will miss them all. There was actually envy permeating the air at that moment. The envy to have the same kind of friendship they hold. The envy to belong.

A Better Choice (December 03, 2007)

This is probably one of the many interesting and popular books among children and teachers. It is probably the most used to introduce friendship and sharing.

When a student was reading the text for me, it dawned on me that I have no friends around me. The friends I made had simply vanished. It must be the time. It must be the situation. It must be the demands of life.

Sure the shortcomings are not their doings alone. I also have my share of mistakes, forgetfulness and busy life. Sometimes, I think that life had been so busy that earning is the most important part of living. Sometimes, I think that being busy makes us fruitful and worth a member of the society. Sometimes, I see my contributions as more important than my health and my happiness.

I hope that my friends (who also chose to be invisible) manage to see the importance of living not in terms of material wealth but in terms of healthy living and good choices. The choice to be at peace with oneself. The choice of a loving family. The choice of loving and being loved.

The Rainbow Fish chose to be happy and started sharing. He ended up being happy and at peace. I wanted a happy ending. I must start living, not for myself alone but also for others.

Choice (December 02, 2007)

I did this choice many years ago and that I had been struggling all through these years. I chose to be invisible.

Many years ago when I was in high school, a group of friends are always inviting me to go with them but I always decline. When we ended up studying in different universities, they still invite me for some occasional events such as bowling or badminton but still, I decline. Then I heard from someone, that the group continued seeing each other without any more invitations because they finally gave up on me.

I formed a small group of high school buddies based on interests. One of which is to deliver social work among some underprivileged children in one of the poorest district in the city. I managed to invite friends and we ended celebrating each others birthdays and special events in life. I still see them occasionally but that is the only circle of friends I have.

I chose to be invisible and it seems that this choice had made me lonelier and sadder in life. I made this choice as a means to preserve myself from destruction. I am vulnerable to mistakes and defeats. I shudder in rejection and failures. I am not strong enough to face the challenges of the world.

Maybe if I have more friends, I can. Maybe if I have the support of those who believe, then I can surely accept things and understand the wisdom beyond failures and rejections. Maybe if I am just brave enough to face what it is there for me.

Writing (November 23, 2007)

I am writing things in my blog to remind me of my life as a person. I am writing them for me, as a reminder to myself and to those who wanted to be part of my life, digitally.

It was many years ago when I started writing a diary. The diary was just a narration of my everyday affairs and was quite boring in content. It served as a reminder of what I have done and what I need to do. It was a narration of events, names, and people I have met.

In this blog, I write what I feel. I write what I think and reflect on it afterwards. I used the entries to help me cope with living. I used the entries to digitally write my life. It will serve as a reminder for things and also as a reflection of things passed.

One Among Many (November 20, 2007)

It was during the accident that I realized a lot of things about people. I went back to the hotel wearing a cast and carrying two walking supports. I didn't make it the morning of the seminar but the organizers gave me a visit in my room. I attended the afternoon session and the remaining three days.

When handouts were given, the speaker asked the participants to get their copies from a table and that they were not enough for everyone. Of course, I wasn't able to get one. During coffee break, I was lining up along with many people. When it was my turn I asked for coffee and the server told me to go to the other side as cups and saucers were all gone. I was infuriated but kept my calm. When I went out of the hotel, I was given sneers by the people around and overheard them saying, "He can't walk yet he dare go around."

There was only one soul who helped me in one of my many times of neglect and self-pity. I didn't have the chance to get her name but I thanked her with all my heart. She saw me during the long queue for coffee and offered me one as she asked me to sit down and wait for her. Such a magnificent lady, the only one different among the 200 people who attended the seminar.

Now I know the feeling of those who are physically disadvantaged. It takes an accident for me to realized we are indeed very lucky.

Loneliness (November 15, 2007)

It was many years ago when I met an accident while riding a motorbike. I was just a passenger since I don't actually drive any motorized vehicle. Anyway, it was one of the scariest moments in my life.

When I brought to the nearest clinic, I bursted in tears. Not because my foot and knee were hurting too much and not because of the blood coming out of my skin. I cried when I was asked, "You alone, no friend?" The clinic can't take care of me so I was transported to a nearby hospital and when I was discharged, I was crying inside my hotel room for being alone.

The experience became a good lesson for me. I realized that one can never be alone in this world. One needs to reach out to gain friends. One needs company from time to time. It is an emotional need. It is a must, so we may enjoy living.

Traits to Treasure (November 13, 2007)

Recently, I met another beautiful lady through a friend I met in Inner Mongolia. They are actually sisters and both radiates beauty and intelligence. They are both products of an international school where I used to teach. Me, being one of the kindergarten teachers and them, as students in the primary grades.

There are three things that strike me during the short meet: their intelligence, their perspective in life and their humility. I have met a lot of people who are wealthy but very arrogant, who are beautiful but very snobbish, and who are intelligent but with boorish manners. These two sisters are millions of miles away from the definition of arrogance. They are honourable individuals. They are eye-openers for me.

When one is educated, it doesn't mean that he or she is a beacon of good manners. A degree doesn't earn you fine bearing. When one is beautiful, it doesn't mean that she is the same within. An elegant face does not guarantee a good heart. When one is popular, it doesn't mean that she or he is well-liked. Screaming and adoring fans does not make us heroes.

Let us be humble in our beginnings and in our own little ways. Let us be proud but subtle in our achievements and successes in life. Let us be more human than just mere person of this world. It is far better to live in silent greatness than exist in loud degradation.

Maybe, A Series Part 5 (November 12, 2007)

Maybe. . you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person,too.

One of the weakness I have is too much symphathy for many things. I do not enjoy seeing people getting hurt, much so, watch a movie with violence. I cringe when I see people fighting or when I am being hurt.

When I was in my high school days, I used to wear an old uniform for Saturday classes or when we need to meet during weekends in school. The old uniform is no longer worn by students but it had been common for the custodians to wear them.

One Saturday morning while I was monitoring my classroom, two of my former classmates passed by the class and saw me. Aside from mockingly hurting me with words, they also sneered and mockingly asked, "Are you a janitor now?" , "Can't buy a new shirt to wear?" I stood there speechless and helpless. I felt humiliated.

I still remember those two people and I can still see in my memory their faces with those evil smiles. I have learned to forgive and forget. The experience did not make me weaker nor evil. The experience made me wiser and more forgiving.

A Long Way To Go (November 09, 2007)

Once when my students and I went on a field trip, the traffic was really bad. Besides, the place was quite adistance from our school. My students had been asking me incessantly, "Are we there yet?" and the only answer I can give was, "Soon!"

In life's battle, we always wanted to end the miseries and the sorrowful stages of our lives by asking, "When is this going to end?" This is human nature. Nobody was born happy enduring life's hardships. Everybody wants out from sadness, loneliness, and sickness. We struggle every now and then, making sure that we get to see the light. It is a long process.

And when we are ecstatic and feeling bright and cheery, we don't want to end it either. When we are in love, we say, "I hope this happiness never ends." When we are basking in glory and fame, we say, "I hope this will last forever."

It's a long way to reach what we dream of but, we are humans capable of pursuing those dreams. It's a long way when we are feeling miserable but, we know whatever road we take, there is always an end. Just like when we are born, we will in time, meet our Creator in the end. And when we meet our Creator, it will be a new beginning.

A Dying Trait (November 7, 2007)

It had been a courtesy for me to greet everyone in my workplace a good morning everyday. It had been a habit since I am around people who are equally courteous. However, it baffles me why one of the people in my workplace do not reciprocate my greetings every morning, for five years now. Whew! That's long and still counting.

It must be me because I put a big bulk of importance towards morning greetings. And you may ask why. It is because as a preschool teacher, I put great importance in learning to greet each other in a polite manner. It is a must in my class.

When I was studying Chinese Philosophy, we were asked to debate whether the seeds of goodness are planted into us from birth or that goodness is acquired through daily living. There were many issues raised and many arguments tackled. This was many years ago.

In today's society, people had changed a lot. Gone are the days when people are friendlier, more polite, more emphatic toward others, and more caring. It is going to be a rough road for me to accept that goodness is no longer a virtue but a hindrance to succeed.

Maybe, A Series Part 4 (November 6, 2007)

Maybe . . you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

When I was young, I always in my moments of loneliness cry tears of sadness because I always feel that I was neglected. I always feel that I am unloved by people. I always wish that I have what others have and what others are enjoying.

I stood from those trials and made myself a life, a life that is now more comfortable and more generous. I do not have the desire to be rich but I bask in my moments of richness. I do not cry for being rejected but became thankful because a lot of people love me. I do not feel neglect but I embrace the hope to be with the Creator when the right time comes. I maybe in many trials but I am learning to survive.

The Little Mermaid (November 05, 2007)

I have a copy of the book The Little Mermaid which was illustrated by Chihiro Iwasaki. I was in awe when I saw the illustrations and that was the primary reason why I bought this book. The subtle use of colors were observed all throughout the pages making it very dramatic in its presentation.

I have used this book with some of my students but it was just recently when I was bombarded with questions about being foam of the sea and having an immortal soul. These children were just below ten and their philosophical questionings gave me the opportunity to explain the facts without sounding religious.

The book reminds me of three things: the beauty of the sea, family relationships and eternal love. It reminds me of God and His amazing goodness.

To Hibernate (November 03, 2007)

When things get bad and I have no other recourse, I usually stay in my home and “hibernate”. In my life, I had been hibernating all throughout as I am always seeking solace and peace. When I am alone, I get to be with myself meditating and looking at things I have done and will be doing.

The coming holiday is a good way to hibernate again. I will have to find a quiet place to spend my vacation and think about my life. I have to see in a deeper perspective where my life is heading and how I can be more fruitful to the society and to the people who believe and love me. It is also the best time to dig deeper into my spiritual life, the best time to review and renew. It might be the best time to change too, for the better.

Maybe, A Series Part 3 (November 2, 2007)

Maybe . . the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

This is dedicated to one very close friend. Rolly is a good natured individual whose zest for life is unwavering. Destined to bring his siblings to higher places, he started a business for them to take care of. He works hard so that he is able to send money to his siblings and care for them. He is a very good provider.

In one of his very few visits to my residence, we enjoyed our conversation sitting on a rocking swing I have at home. We were there for many hours, conversing then pausing then just being quiet. Though there were moments of silence, it was perhaps the most engaging and the most intelligent conversations I had in years.

We were together as friends for almost three years when I decided to let go of our friendship. I miss the togetherness, the closeness, and the bonding between male friends. I rarely had a good friend so close and had never been in close proximity with someone till now. He is dearly missed.

Maybe, A Series Part 2 (November 01, 2007)

Maybe . . there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child, your friend -- -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

There are many people in my life that I do miss. I miss my family a lot for they are the only one I have. I miss my very few friends and those that I have met many years ago. I miss my grandparents who helped financed my schooling. I miss my former colleagues in school who had been very supportive of my cause.

They all knew how much they mean to me as I had been very vocal of my feelings towards them. I enjoyed their company and I had given not just attention but love to each and every one. I always have them in my heart.

Just recently I’ve met a friend I haven’t seen for sixteen years. We attended drama school together and had been inseparable during those times. However, our different paths separated us without any news or communication. The feeling of care and love towards this friend is still there in spite of the long absence. The friendship still lingers in my heart.

Waiting (October 28, 2007)

I was to name this entry as "Waiting for Nothing", but changed it to be more positive. This entry may mean many things. It could be waiting for someone, waiting for an opportunity, waiting for change, or waiting for something that will never be.

The bench had always been a welcome respite from a hard day's work. You can see them in parks, in bus stations or in malls. They support us when we are tired, making us feel better to rest our weary feet and bodies.

So when I wait for change, I ready myself for the inevitable. When I wait for someone, I am always prepared to be happy or disappointed. When I wait for an opportunity, I let the door of my life open.

Fascination (October 26, 2007)

I am always fascinated by things that fly even when I was a young boy. I am always on the look out for things such as airplanes, butterflies, helicopters, and for fictional characters such as Superman and Batman. I always wish that I can soar in the sky just like them.

Then I became fascinated with painting when I was very sick and bored. I started illustrating birds and they became the subject of my paintings. Small in scale and very simple, I enjoyed making them and brought them to life by framing them.

Recently, I went through my cupboards and found all twenty four paintings I made many years ago. They were in a pitiful state as the paper had been splattered with brown spots. Anyway, the paintings still serve as reminders of my fascination for things that fly. It was my secret wish that I can soar and glide and fly through the sky.

My Grandma (October 25, 2007)

Another children's literature that fondly reminds me of my late grandmother was this book called, Ben and Gran and the Whole Wide Wonderful World. It is a story about grandmom who promised to see her grandchild for tea but the problem is that both are living far, far away from each other.

My grandma had been very supportive of my studies. I was involved in a lot of fights with my dad and because of these fights, he refused to send me to school. My grandma made it possible for me to continue studying by financing my studies.

My grandma passed away many years ago but I wasn't told of her demise. I learned about it through a cousin who is also from another part of the world. I was told later, that it wasn't necessary for me to fly and attend the burial as I am living far away. I was devastated.

That was many years ago. I felt better when I started dreaming about her welcoming me in her arms. She will be standing by the door giving me this wonderful smile and saying, "I am glad to see you again." I don't dream of her anymore but she is always in my memory and in my heart. One of the best persons in my life.

Trees (October 17, 2007)

I cannot recall the title of a parable I heard many years ago about two trees. I believe one was a mango tree and another one was a bamboo tree. They were trying to outdo each other arguing who among the two were mightier as a tree. Later in the parable, the wind blew and blew and the mango tree that was standing proud and tall eventually was uprooted by the strong winds. The bamboo tree remained standing on the ground because it bowed to the currents, swaying its branches along with the wind.

In life we show much pride of what we have, what we have accomplished, what we have gained in life that we forget to look back. We forget to acknowledge where our strength came from. We forget how we met success. But there are people whom, even if they are the richest or the smartest, still remain to be humble and simple in life.

We should be trees in standing to our beliefs and will, to do things right. However we should also be like bamboos, knowing when to bow down.

Paper Flowers (Special Entry for Blog Action Day Oct 15, 2007)

One of the most beautiful subject to study in arts is flower. They possess such magnificence that one is struck with awe as to how the colors and velvety soft petals can actually inspire painters and photographers. It must be the bright colors, the strong scent, and the shape of the flower or the softness of the petals. It attracts, it inspires, it beautifies, and most of all, it gives a feeling of warmth.

I may be a dreamer but I enjoy my garden and all the plants that grow and the flowers that bloom. I may be a poet but looking at the beauty just simply gives me the power to describe the flowers in literary forms. I may be just be thanking Mother Nature for all its glory and grandeur. And I am lucky.

I am lucky I have seen the beauty of flowers. I am lucky I have smelled them, touched them and planted them with my hands. And I will be very sad to think that one day all I will be seeing, all I will be holding and all I will be taking photos will be paper flowers.

Take from nature but return something back. Plant, grow, and let live.

Contrast (October 13, 2007)

I have a student who enjoys science very much. He is very analytical and had been asking lots of interesting questions regarding many things. He is interested in things that move. He is interested in things that he can manipulate himself.

I have a student who enjoys reading. She always asks for reading materials whenever I am teaching her. She can read three short stories in one sitting. Other than reading, she does not show any interest in other things.

I have one student who is very good with construction. At the age of four, he is equipped with a logical mind and he is very analytical in his approach. He is often seen putting things together and inventing new things to use as a toy and not just an art piece for decorative purposes.

These three students of mine are different in many ways. All younger than eight, they each possess qualities that they will eventually share to the world when they grow up. Just like the people around us, each and everyone have a contribution to make. It may be little, but each and every action of goodness is counted.

Maybe, A Series Part 1 (October 09, 2007)

A friend sent an e-mail and it contains some of the most inspiring quotes about living:

Maybe . . you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

When I left teaching many years ago, I ended being an interpreter for a factory interpreting for three different languages. It was a short lived job as I went back to teaching after three months. It was called burn-out from the usual stuff. So interpreting was just an outlet.

In my short stay, I met one young man who was so inspired of my life story that he wants to follow my footsteps. It was heart warming to have met a person like him. He told me he wanted to attend university, finish a degree, be a teacher or work as an administrator and learn many languages. He saw life. He saw a future. He was inspired.

I do not know where this young man is now but he is a fine example of a determined individual who knows what he wants and will go for it. There will be struggles but they can be used as inspirations rather than hindrances.

Go forward and do something good. It is for you and His Glory.

Little Angel, Big Heart Part 2 (October 06, 2007)

I always have sweet little angels in my class who gives me a welcome hug in the morning, a smile every now and then, or a smile and goodbye at the end of the day. Just days ago, a parent commented how she had observed the relationship the children have with me. “You are loved by the children.” I just smiled.

During our show and share session, a boy aged four forgot to bring his item for showing. Instead, he took out a small package from his bag and gave it to me. I asked him what’s inside and he told me they were three pieces of chocolate cookies.

“It’s for you. I have my show and tell for you only.
I wrapped it myself at home.
I am giving them because you are good to me.”
I thanked the child, gave him a hug, and turned my back to wipe the tears in my eyes. Another heaven sent.

I feel empty for the past few days but these moments will surely give me the strength to go on. The will to live, for others.

Little Angel, Big Heart (October 05, 2007)

Many years ago in my travel to Europe, I’ve encountered a situation that became a lesson for me. I was robbed of my money in broad daylight. The robber used a knife to scare me and I willingly, though with some debating, gave my money. After the incident, I immediately called via phone the only one person I know (a parent of my former student) who resides in that country. I needed someone at that time to console me, someone just to be with me at that time.

I met the mum at the train station and she was with my student, a three year old girl at that time. I was sipping tea when I spotted her. She was holding a big rose and a bag of cookies and then she approached me. And she said with her big smile, “Good afternoon, Teacher Jonathan.” I was teary eyed and I gave her a big hug. I felt better.

Sometimes the worst moment of our lives is upset by the best moment. It just reassures us that not everything in this world is bad. As always, there is sunshine after the rain.

Somewhere (October 04, 2007)

I am very excited everytime I see a rainbow. I am like a child when I see one. I get in the house to find my camera and shoot one. I like the colors. I like the size of it. I like the mystery.

I love the rain and the freshness it brings but the rainbow is different. Its mystery gives me something to hope for. Its beauty gives me something to crave for. Though I know that a rainbow is short lived, I still look for one.

In life, there are many challenges and struggles that we have to face everyday. Right now, I am beset with problems and frustrations including uncertainties. Still, I believe that after the rain, there is the sunshine. After the rain, there is a rainbow.

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high.

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.

Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue.

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true.

Ice Cream (October 03, 2007)

I don’t know what it is about ice cream but I like it a lot.

I crave for ice cream wherever I am. I was walking in the grounds of one of Reggio Emilia’s park when I spotted a British man eating ice cream. I asked him as he was also attending the same study tour I was into at that time. The ice cream was just fabulous that I ended buying one everyday. During my stay in Italy, I was approached as well by others asking me where to get real Italian ice cream.

When I was in Inner Mongolia, the weather forced me to indulge in popsicles and ice creams. A girl friend introduced me to the many flavours available in this country. When we were in Beijing, I was practically eating popsicles and ice creams for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I was told that I won’t be able to taste all the flavours in my twelve days stay as there are plentiful. After many days, everyone is eating ice cream. This girl friend of mine became a very good friend.

I also remember having ice cream during the late hours when I stayed in Baguio with my fellow teachers. It was one of our most awaited activities every night. I also enjoyed having ice cream in Boracay with my high school buddies. And to eat ice cream with a millionaire friend in one of the Hagen Daas stores in Manila was another exciting experience.

I remember having one when I was all alone in Singapore. After a long walk along Orchard Road, ice cream became my companion. To top it all, I enjoyed best when I had ice cream with a good friend and meeting two other equally good friends of his when I visited Kula Lumpur. It was a blast, eating ice cream with friends.

Going Down (October 02, 2007)

Lately I had been feeling down because of some news I had been receiving from people around me. Add up the uncertainties I am having for the future. This feeling is giving me sleepless nights and headaches in the morning. I am missing my support. I need to recharge once again.

I ended the month of September with a gloomy note but this will surely continue this month as most of the days had been gloomy like the constant rains. It had been raining for almost everyday. Morever, with the rain come the sickness, the flu and the flood.

I hope to make the rest of the remaining months a fruitful one. Things are not going to be the same but I will try to make it better.

Moving and Leaving (September 25, 2007)

I packed all my gardening books for good. I have collected and have read all 26 of my books as I have a garden and a lot of other things. Next in line will be the plants, the trees, and the ever so expensive pots I have accumulated for many years.

I am moving to a small place, probably a room where I can just retreat after working for almost twelve hours of each day. I have been neglecting the garden but they are still luscious and green because of the rain.

Will I survive? Probably not as I am having nightmares now knowing that the day will come that I have no plants around me. The garden I boast in this blog and to my friends will simply be left unattended, or maybe given away.

In life, things are not permanent and I am now in that stage that I am about to give what I enjoy best.

At War With Myself (September 23, 2007)

A part of me is saying I better leave now. A part of me is saying I should stay. I am confused and uncertain with what there is for me. I am always asking.

For many days now, I have been staring and lost. For many nights I have nightmares. I can't sleep and I can't function well. I must be getting crazy.

It must be a stage. Just like boredom, it comes naturally. It can also be a burnout and this few weeks had been giving me unwanted miseries.

Just ranting. No one to speak with. I am all by myself. I am on my own.

Giving and Forgiving (September 21, 2007)

I wrote in one of my profile that The Giving Tree is one of my all-time favorite book. It tells the story of a tree who loves a boy so much that the tree is willing to give everything. The tree gave its fruits, its branches, its trunk until it became just one plain stump.

I still have to meet a person as giving and forgiving as the Giving Tree. I can never be so giving and I am never so forgiving. So when I hear of real people who dedicates their lives in helping the needy, I respect them a lot. I may not be as giving and forgiving but I do pray that I can be in my own little ways.

Finding Jonathan (September 15,2007)

I was reading the book Crystal Heart with a student of mine who likes fairy tales and princesses. The book tells about the story of a princess who heard the singing voice of a man from a faraway distance as she is up in a tower. She became ill when she started to miss the singing voice, thinking it must be from a mandarin’s son. The only cure is for the man to sing again for her. Upon seeing the man in person, she laughed at herself saying how foolish she had been to fall in love with a man who is just a lowly fisherman.

This story reminded me of my early years when I was in the university and then on to my graduate school. I had been pursued by some because they knew I am academically inclined and not because I possess what you might call ‘handsome’ attributes. When I was working, I get to meet some people who were interested for some time until they learned I am a mere teacher. I have no car, I don’t have my own place and I earn a meager salary commensurate to a clerical worker.

People have choices and they chose someone far better than what I can offer. No regrets. But that was many years ago, times have changed. What have not changed is that I am still a teacher and had care not to the demands of those who wanted more money, more fame and more luxuries in life. And always remember, there is always a treasure in each and one of us. You just have to find it.

Determination (September 13, 2007)

In my second time to attend an acting class, I was privileged once again to be under the tutelage with one of the leading stage performer of the original Miss Saigon. She is a walking inspiration as she has shown that we can reach our stars when we look for it.

The class comprised of many men and women in the very beginning. Surprising to tell you, but the class diminished into ten people consisting of just two men and the rest were women. There were many reasons given to their dropping the class. Some mentioned the late class hours; others were scared of the language used in class. One even commented that the class was very elitist.

Thinking about it, it wasn’t about schedules, language or the demands of the teachers. They were aware of the consequences when they enrolled. The main factor was determination. If each and everyone were determined to make it to the end, then the class will be more fun, more exciting, and more productive. Anyway, the end product of the acting class was a jewel. I am proud I was determined to reach the end. In fact, it was just the beginning.

Change (September 11, 2007)

I got this quote from one e-mail I received but just cannot remember from whom.

Just because you love something or someone doesn't mean you can't live without it. Yes, life will be different, but does that necessarily mean it has to be worse? Change has to happen -- that's how you grow.

I read this like a mantra so that I won't be feeling bad for many things I lost, I let go, or simply didn't reciprocate. I lost many things but they are just material ones so it doesn't really matter. I lost many friends not because I abandoned them but because I learned how to love myself rather than always sacrificing for them, always giving, and always getting hurt.

No matter what, I still send my thanks to them for making me stronger and a better person.

Vietnam (September 10, 2007)

My visit to Vietnam many years ago was a travel full of anecdotes that until now, I share to many of my international and local friends. I went to Ho Chi Minh with a very close American friend and we met her sister in there who was traveling around Asia. We had a blast.

However, I was ill for the first three days I was there so I ended up walking along the streets to explore city life. When I was stronger, we went to explore other sights of the city and its outskirt.

Early one night while I was strolling, I was hailed by a beautiful lady asking me to get in her bike and she'll drive me to her home. I refused and learned later what her intention was.

The next day I was being encouraged by a rickshaw driver to go and visit a certain place. I vividly remember his words, "You go and see young lady. You take away clothes. She takes away clothes. You touch everything." complete with hand gestures. I was rolling with laughter.

Vietnam is my place to shop and eat excellent food. It is a wonderful country not to be missed.

Star Quality (September 09, 2007)

As a shy person, I had the privilege to study with one of the most respected stage actors when I enrolled myself in acting. Assisting my teacher is an up and coming stage actor as well. On my first day, I was a little late as I cannot find the room where the acting classes were being held. I came in the door quietly and sat among the group.

After a week of grueling exercises, body explorations and transforming ourselves into the most imaginative objects, we were given a talk. It was a talk that I won’t be forgetting as long as I am alive.

The teachers started bombarding each and everyone with a litany of harsh words about behaviors, attitudes, approach in learning and the lingering laziness and lack of motivation among the participants. Afterwards, I was called and became the focal point of the entire meeting.

“Just look at Jonathan. When he entered the door the first day of classes, we looked at each other and said, “The nerd is here.” Holding a pen and a notebook, wearing glasses and having this lack of expression, he started the day with much enthusiasm and fervor. He is there every day and every minute of each and every exercise. He shines when he performs. He gives his best whether he is a mere passerby or a prop in a short exercise. He is what we wanted all of you to be. If you cannot be like him and are not dedicated to this craft, please do not come to class tomorrow.”

I was dumbfounded, speechless and cared not for the praises. I was afraid that my friends will disappear. I was scared that they will resent me. But they all came back the next day. They showed more interests. They showed more camaraderie. We became one strong group of friends.

A Gardener (September 08, 2007)

A few days ago, I heard a fellow teacher asking help if she can have pictures of vegetable gardens as she is interested in building a project in her school. I volunteered to bring a book to show her. Yesterday, while I was showing her one of my gardening books, she asked me how many children's books I have in my house, that is, if I have counted them. I told her I have around 1800 and more and that's just the children's literature. I also mentioned that I have 19 garden books at home, (but then I counted them when I went back and found out I have 26 books).

Anyway, what surprised me was her comment, "It does not strike me that you would love gardening and that you do gardening." Added question was, "where do you do your gardening?" I answered her that it is my passion to grow things from small beginnings. That I have a garden that seems to be a forest now because of its luscious greenery and bugs aplenty.

Later on that day, I put on my thinking cap asking myself, "How does a gardener looks like?" Further on, I asked myself, "How should a construction worker, an office person, a teacher, a banker, an engineer, an artist look like?" Sometimes, we are placed into specific moulds and are expected to act the role given to us but this I disagree. I maybe a teacher, but I am also a gardener, an artist, a stage actor and a business person. I maybe simple looking but I have a great spirit to explore, try and do things. And it is in doing what we like and enjoy that makes living a fuller experience.

Languages (September 4, 2007)

I teach children coming from different countries and not everyone is conversant in the English language. My role is to make them part of the class by giving them opportunities to learn and explore and appreciate the language. In my experience, learning another language is an advantage as I speak a number as well.

In my class there is a little boy who is smart and well-mannered. He is lively and always has a good attitude towards school. However he goes home everyday and complains to his mum that no one had played with him in school. The problem lies in his ability or lack of ability to communicate and not because he is rude or unapproachable. My job now is to equip him with the right tools to be able to communicate and be part of the social play.

When I go to other countries, I like to assimilate myself especially in Asia as I look and speak a number of Asian languages. I feel good and in return, I get to gain friends as well. Learning a language is a good thing. It might be just fanciful in the beginning but in the long run, it is worth the effort.

Many Thanks (September 01, 2007)

Many years ago, I met someone who has inspired me to become a better teacher. She is a woman filled with energy. She is always up and about. She became my mentor and my motivator. She instilled faith in me, to believe in myself.

One early morning as I arrived school, I met so much frustrations explaining to my assistant how work should be done. After being frustrated, I left the building and walked outside the school compound. My friend saw me. She took her car and asked me to get in. While driving around the village, she was ready to listen and was giving pointers on how to handle the situation. She was there to support and not to ridicule. She was there to listen and not to criticize. She was there to offer help. Up to this time, I cannot forget her valuable support.

That was many years passed. The last time I got hold of her was when I was in Bologna and she asked me to visit her for a day or two. I can't make it that time so when I arrived home, I made it a point to make contacts again. I failed to reach her but deep inside my heart, she will always be my good and best friend.

This month is her birth month. I dedicate the first of September to my beautiful and great friend Carol, thank you so much.

Reflections (August 31, 2007)

I enjoy the simplicity of things. No complications whatsoever. It is just like living in the past. I remember being happy playing with stones and mud back in our backyard when I was very young. I enjoy the swings we put right up the pine tree we had. I appreciate nature from the small pond we filled with fish and turtles. I won't forget the time I hurt myself when I climbed a medium sized coconut tree. Those were the fun times. No expectations. No competitions. No complications.

Then the times we are having now is very much different. Everyone is busy. Even weekends are filled up. My students' schedules are filled to the brim. My friends' schedules are teeming with appointments and parties. My co-workers' are always on the go, go, go. My schedule is now like most of them. I rarely stay at home now. I am always out and teaching.

If I have to reflect on what is happening to me, then I have to say I am growing to be unhappy. The dictates of society and the affairs of the world had been engulfing me like fire. I had been busying myself with the ways of the world.

I need to stand still. Reflect. Be happy.

Picking Up the Pieces (August 29, 2007)

I am amazed at how some parents would give their young children something of an excess and think that it is good parenting. I am talking about learning academics. I have met a lot of people whose concern in their young child's growth is the learning of the ABC's and numbers.

I grew up in a very strict family whose main concern is not that of education. However, I have to say that I came from a very academic school where I have to learn four languages from my preschool up to high school. Then I entered a university where I have to do two other languages aside from the two languages used in class. I have to say that it was exhausting to be a student.

I always wish that young children be given a chance to feel like children. That they be given the freedom to play instead of attending tutorial classes. That they be given the chance to interact and socialize instead of sitting and writing compositions as homework. That they be given a chance to be with nature instead of being crammed in special classes in piano, math, and the like.

I do not like to be a child again. But I wanted to go back so that I can live my lost childhood to the fullest and be happy.

Alone (August 26, 2007)

This Sunday, I was invited for lunch by some of the most generous parents from my previous class. The lunch was sumptuous. The venue was appealing to the senses. But the one that moves me was the camaraderie the parents and my former students showed to me.

I always end up teaching students in the weekends when I am supposed to be resting and having fun in the garden or attending church as part of my Sunday life. I do work because I get to see people either out or in my house. I do long for friendship. I do long for some people to speak with or to listen or just to hang around. I am becoming lonely.

You might say that it is a choice I am making and I have to agree to that. I chose to be alone. I chose to live away from my family, relatives and close friends. It is also a choice not to make close relations with new people.

But still, I long for people to be around me. I long for the old times when I get to see friends every time I attend mass. I long for the times when we have get-togethers with my high school buddies once every month. I wish to meet good people like the ones I have in Kuala Lumpur, Manila, Rotorua and from the US. I miss them all.

Falling (August 25, 2007)

I will have to describe a certain plant in my house. I have these kind for many years now. They serve many purposes such as borders for the house, for shade, for beautifying ugly spots, and for the fragrant flowers they give. The flowers are pristine white, growing in clusters and gives off a lovely smell. When all of them are in bloom, the flowers look like snowflakes resting on the branches of these small trees.

It is not difficult to take care of them. All they need is plenty of sunshine, water and a healthy place to grow. They bloom even if they are planted in small containers.

What strikes me are the flowers when they are growing. A cluster would have individual flowers so small that once you separate them one by one, it wouldn't give a spectacular impression. And just like any other flowers, they also wither and die.

These flowers are like our life. We grow by achieving a lot of things, accomplishing tasks and showing to the world that we are a contributor to the society. We accumulate accolades and experiences that help us move and grow. We shine during high times.

But everyday is not a good day. So when we are experiencing the lows, we have to remember these flowers. They wither and die but the tree is still alive. We fall, we stand, we shine again.

Friend (August 22, 2007)

I had the chance to meet new people during the entire summer. They were all very nice people: educated, hard working, goal-oriented and friendly. They come from different backgrounds. They are from different places. They have their own goals and dreams. They are good people to keep. I have met new friends and became so full of life, living everyday vibrantly.

Then I went back to Thailand. Right now, I can feel that I am deteriorating because I had been missing them. I had been surrounded with warmth and sincere care that now I long for them. I am again on my own.

Friends are easy to find but the difficulty lies in finding the good ones. In my entire stay in Thailand, I cannot give you an answer if you ask me right now the million dollar question, "Who is your good friend in there?". I had, for some moments in time, a friend or two.

In my garden, I usually see a friend or some friends that hover around some of the flowers. I like the idea of them visiting my flowers every now and then. I like the idea that they make the flowers bloom better. I like the idea of making them part of the beauty that surrounds me.

Friends.....just like butterflies, come and go.

A Sight to Behold (August 20, 2007)

One of the favorite things I do during the weekends is to walk around the entire grounds of a weekend market famous for its many odd and interesting merchandise. I usually go around the Art Section of the market and marvel at the creativity and resourcefulness of the artists that gather around the area. The paintings and sculptures are just amazing. I enjoy my walk because I am surrounded by creative people and their beautiful creations.

In my garden, I enjoy looking at flowers and then take photographs of them. It is only in taking their photos that the images stay forever in my memory. Those flowers bloom to give me a feeling of peace when I visit the garden. And when they wither, I do not associate it to their death but to a new beginning. I count the flowers that bloom and not the leaves that fall.

So in enjoying nature and taking images of them, just as a painter paints or a sculptor creates a three-dimensional piece, I for one, take moments to savour the beauty of flowers through photographs, a marvelous sight to behold.

Stand Tall (August 11, 2007)

I had a short conversation with a new acquaintance. Our conversation centered on being teachers and being a true person. Honesty, integrity and faith were mentioned. He told me how as a teacher I can be gentle and caring. He mentioned that at my present age, I had accumulated wisdom and good manners. I wasn’t looking for compliments but his way of talking was so intense that it had made me realize that I should be proud of who I am.

One book called Stand Tall, Molly Lou Melon reminds me of how great we are as people and as individuals. That we need to believe in ourselves. That we need to think positively. That we need to believe we can do anything.

I needed encouragement and a little push and this acquaintance of mine came knocking at the right time. I appreciate living because I am surrounded by people, who believe in the greatness of others. God bless people like Stephen.

Small But Powerful (August 5, 2007)

Once when I was strolling in my garden while bathing in the light of the moon, I cannot help but smell a wonderful fragrance that permeates the back of my house. It was a smell so enticing that I immediately looked for its source. Wonderfully surprising, it was my Orange Jasmin, the dwarf ones that bears white flowers but gives such strong scent. It was a delightful find.

I am just but a teacher in my school but had been a great contributor to the education and progress of the school. I am just one of the many teachers whose goal in life is to create wonderful individuals and contributors to this world. What I wanted to show here is that we, as individuals, maybe nothing but a miniscule to a large part of the society. But our presence gives the society a plurality. Our small identities give our workplace a name. We might be like a speck of dust to this world but our contributions can move mountains.

Ingenuity (August 3, 2007)

I marvel at the immensity of each and every structures and edifice I visited in Mainland China. I was wondering, questioning, being awed by each and every place I visited. The Hanging Temples, the magnificent monasteries, the Summer Palace, the Forbidden City, the Great Wall and others.

I am talking about years past, century old, unparalled ingenuity. These are borne from great minds and spirits. These are products of determination and maybe of great dreams.

I cannot help but be amazed by China’s contribution to the world. I wanted to believe that they are great thinkers and excellent doers. These are two qualities I wanted to hone in me. Great is the thinker who uses actions instead of just words.

Distributing Strength (August 1, 2007)

I was at a silk making factory when we were introduced how silk was made into fine garments. One demonstration was to show us how a ball of silk is pulled to make silk blankets. After the demonstration, we were encouraged to have actual hands on where I was one of the participants.

On all four sides of the table, there was a person each and we were asked to pull the ball of silk to distribute it evenly as we try to lay the silk on the table. One of the participants was pulling the ball harder than the rest of us. He was being told to gently pull it so that the distribution of silk would be equal to all sides. Unfortunately, he didn’t listen. He got most of the silk on his side and less for all three sides. The process needs to be repeated again. What a waste!

In working together, one must not be in control of others because it is in cooperating with one another that we get the best results. Pulling the silk to show one’s strength or power proved nothing but mere foolishness.